Prescriptions from life...

Lament over my mom's pancreatic cancer

2011-02-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

What a nightmare. A horrible, horrible, nightmare. What’s worse is that it is not a nightmare from which you can awake and go about your normal day, your normal life. What’s worse is how much more of a nightmare all of this must be for my mom.

At times I am in such disbelief. At times I am so numb, but go through the motions of my now not-normal day. At times I can only cry. At times I try to be hopeful and positive—after all, I do NOT believe in what the statistics say; I believe that anything is possible with God. And, although I do believe that, I often am too discouraged to feel it…

At times I feel physically sick. I feel the ailments that my mom feels. I feel her discouragement. I feel her despair. I feel her fear. I feel her sadness. I feel her weakness. I feel her pain. I feel her nausea.

Oh God, will you not rescue us? Please? Only you can heal my mom. It is nothing for you to remove a little cancer from her body. Yet, every step of this ordeal has seemed to have been met by one obstacle or another. Although today marks 5 weeks since her pancreatic cancer diagnosis, I feel as if we have only stepped backwards and not forwards. Set-back after set-back. How to stay positive? How to encourage? I am so worn out. I go to the hospital during my lunch break when I can, then again after work. Sometimes I stay a couple hours and sometimes four. My own family sees less of me. I sometimes don’t know who I am because of the busy-ness in trying to take care of my mom. I am so weary. So stressed. So exhausted. But, I want to be there for my mom. I want her to have the best care possible, the best answers possible. I am her advocate, there to help make sure her voice is heard.

My mom once said that she wishes she could wake up to find that everything is different—that this all has never happened. How I wish that could be true.

In my busy-ness, I know I’m not “going deeper” with God like I should. I would like to, but by the end of the day, all I can do is hit the bed without much thought to anything else—usually after an Ativan and a Benadryl. Certainly, I am in constant communication with God throughout the day, but I need to take more time to really BE STILL in all of this busy-ness.

Dinner? I cried the other day because the kids asked if we could get pizza. Tim was working late. After work, I picked the kids up from school, dropped them off at home, went to the hospital, then came back home, exhausted. The thought of having to make a decision about dinner or having to leave the house brought ultimate stress. I had to lay in bed to cry and relax. I did not have it in me to plan dinner. I had been too busy trying to make REAL decisions about my mom or work the rest of the day, and was now too fatigued to have to do with something as simple as dinner. Thankfully, some friends have helped with bringing dinner over, and I am so extremely grateful. I can’t describe what a stress relief this has been! Also, my in-laws have been so helpful. They will pick up the kids from school for me on some days, sit with my mom at the hospital, make sure the kids do their chores, and help plan dinner. Their presence definitely helps to lower the household stress level.

I have to let go. Let go. My mom’s life is in God’s hands and not mine. I can do whatever I can, work as hard as I can, talk to whoever I can, research whatever I can—but all that is not going to save my mom’s life. If it is her time to go at the young age of 63, then that is for God to decide. I need to release her into His hands, saying that it is not my will, but God’s will, to be done. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but until I truly surrender this to God, I will not feel peace. Note that I am not saying that I am giving up on fighting for her life since we don’t believe that time has come.

I’ve experienced this all before with my grandmother. I was the family member who she was closest to. I made the major decisions for her care and for her life. She was like my mom and raised me. (My mom is like an older sister and mom.) I ached and agonized over her deterioration. There was nothing I could do. She was sick and bedridden for about four years, eventually stuck in nursing homes, not able to eat or walk. It was so sad to visit her and to see her like that. She was so extremely independent and strong—how wrong to see her like this now! Every couple months, at first, she was in and out of the hospital—to the ER for sepsis or something bad. Yes, that was all so very stressful, especially for me. But, with my mom, it is different. The stress is so strong on a daily basis. There have been so many roadblocks, it seems. There are way too many unknowns. There is no path or potential path carved out. There is no way to know which way we will be going. She is in her 60s, not her 80s like my grandma. How to even make sense of this? How to understand when understanding is impossible?

Please have mercy on my sweet mom, dear God!

I love my mom. She is a nice, quiet person to be around. She’s very practical. She’s beautiful. She loves God, her three daughters, and her grandchildren. She loves friends and family. God gave her a special gift for being with young children. In some ways, I feel like I don’t know my mom as well as I would like. I don’t want that taken away from me now!!!

Eight days before my mom’s cancer diagnosis, my dad passed away. Eight days. As I write this, I am still in disbelief that he is no longer here. Really? Wow… I guess I do believe it is true… It is so sad. How can it be? He was supposed to spend some time getting to know his grandkids better—at least, that was my hope. How much did he love us? What stories have I missed about his life? Am I to lose both parents in the same year, both at the tender age of 63?

This all makes no sense to me…

Ouch. Why is this happening to me and my sisters? Why does my mom have to suffer as she is right now? Trying to hang on to being able to tolerate tube feedings since she can’t eat a single thing? She needs to build her nutrition in order to gain strength in order to start chemo in hopes that chemo will shrink the tumor in order to have yet another surgery to try to remove the tumor.

I don’t understand, God. I want to understand. I know this is all part of your plan, but I just don’t get it. How do I be joyful in all of this? Help…

I am such a strong thinker. I love using my mind, but my little mind can never comprehend all the ways of God. I cannot control where He decides to step in or why. I am looking at moments in time, when He sees the bigger picture of things. Unfortunately, there is pain and suffering in this world. And, it really sucks.

I need to focus on “my psalm” during this time—I’ve already composed a melody for it. From Psalm 9:1-2----

“I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you.

I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.”

My Birthday Hug

2009-06-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

My birthday is on May 6. While my dear sweet grandma was alive, we would celebrate her birthday, my birthday, and my sister Suzy’s birthday at family get-togethers. Suzy’s birthday is May 9. My grandma’s birthday that we celebrated was May 5, although it was not her actual birthday. It was the legal birthday given to her when she came to the US from Korea.

My grandma spent a lot of time raising me and my sisters. She and I were very close, and she was basically my “mom” growing up; her daughter--my mom--worked the evening shift at work and was a single mom then, so it was easier for my grandma to help take care of us.

My grandma left this earth on March 3, 2008. I was there for her final breath and watched her melodically slip from one world to the next. It was very peaceful and she was not suffering in any way—I am so thankful that my prayers for that were answered.

My first birthday without her was in 2008. I celebrated my birthday with my sister Suzy and with other family members. It was sad to not have my grandma there. Actually, she hadn’t been able to join us at our birthday gatherings from 2005 on as she was either in the hospital or nursing home.

This year, I thought about her a lot around May 5. I was sad that she was not here.

The morning of my birthday, May 6 2009, I had a dream with her in it. Let me back up to say that while she was still alive, and even after she died, I would have the same recurrent dream of her, but sometimes in different settings. The theme would always be my amazement at her great health and I would ask her if she remembered how sick she had been—how she couldn’t get out of bed, etc., but look at her now—how she could walk and was healthy and looked great! It is so strange how often I would have that dream.

My birthday dream was different. In this dream, near the front door and porch of her old house, she greeted me with a long hug. She hugged me long and tight. She looked beautiful. She was young, youthful, beautiful, thin (not that she was ever overweight), taller, elegant, strong, had darker stylish hair… One strange part was that there was an umbrella hanging outside near the front porch over the steps, and I wanted to get it for her since I didn’t want her to fall down the stairs, but she insisted on getting it herself. (Probably symbolizes how she always gave of herself to take care of others, even though I was insisting on taking care of her in this case…)

I awoke. My kids and husband greeted me with birthday wishes. My husband gave me a hug… It was at that point that I realized that the purpose of the “dream” was for me to receive a hug from my grandma. As I mentioned, all of the other dreams had that same recurrent theme, but the theme for my birthday dream was THE HUG.

Thank you, God, for letting me have one more hug from my grandma. What a great birthday present!

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I have been so bad at posting on my blog since Facebook...

I should have posted this sooner, since I may have forgotten some details of my dream since that was over a month ago...
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Welcome, Julia and Joshua!

2008-07-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday--July 15, 2008!Julia on the left and Joshua on the right.
Julia is very petite but looks larger in this picture
because of the angle and close distance from the camera.

Julia was born first; Joshua followed 2 minutes later. However, Julia would not breathe until after Joshua came out and started crying, then she took a breath and started crying with him! The hospital staff said that was the first time they had seen something like that happen!

Joshua David Snow
7 lbs, 12 oz
20 & 3/4 inches
7/15/08, 9:37 pm

(Don't you just want to kiss those cheeks???)

Julia Hope Snow
6 lbs
18 inches
7/15/08, 9:35pm

(Both of Julia's parents have said that she looks just like her Aunt Nina as a baby.
Of course, Julia's auntie does not mind at all! And, she agrees! How fun!)

Sarah, on the far right, getting ready to meet her new baby sister and brother!
(Natalie in the middle, and a new friend on the left.)

Hannah waiting to meet her new baby brother and sister!

Aunt Nina gets to hold Joshua!

Grandma Sonia gets to hold Julia!

Cousin Natalie gets to hold Julia!

Nina and Natalie with the proud daddy, Brian!

Friday, July 18, 2008:
Mommy (Suzy) and babies are fine and will be going home today. Suzy is recovering from the C-section. Joshua is nursing fine, and we are hoping that Julia will start nursing 100%. Thanks for your prayers! More pictures to follow as we spend more time with them today!
http://sites.bundleofjoys.com/snowtwins

Our kids are growing!

2008-05-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

It is now "official"--our kids are growing!

April 25th, is a day to remember. Not only is it my husband's grandma's birthday, and my mom's anniversary, but now, it marks another memory for our family.

On that day, I had to switch Natalie's clothes in her closet from little-kids' hangers, to grown-up size hangers. Sigh... She is growing! And, into a beautiful, lovely, sweet, and smart young lady, at that! :)

The shocker was when our son came to give me a hug that night. Then he stood up straight. Hmmm...It couldn't be. I called for my husband. He got out a level and put it over our heads as we stood back to back...our son is now taller than me! Of course, that's not saying a whole lot, but still... I knew the day would come, but didn't think it would happen for another 6 months or so. It seemed to happen within a week! He doesn't mind, of course!

And, I know that someday Natalie will pass me in height too.

It is bittersweet to see them grow. I am happy and honored at the people they are becoming and are. I love seeing them at each stage, miss the stages that have past, and look forward to the stages that will soon come.

I love you, my friends!
--Me

A Glimpse of Eternity?

2008-03-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as we were driving to San Diego, stuck in LA traffic, I listened to the Zoe Group’s recording of the album “Our God Reigns.” I was very tired, but not sleeping. I saw nice heavenly images during the songs—these images came so easily to me although I was not as relaxed as I could have been and I was easily distracted by the many sudden stops in traffic and various words from the kids in the back. I was not drifting in and out of sleep—I was just focusing on the words in the songs. Normally for me to see images such as these, I would have to be in a very quiet place with no interruptions and would have to focus on relaxing and “going deeper” in my time spent with God.

The images I saw were amazing. For all of the songs, Jesus was present and standing or lifted up much higher than the rest of us. He was in a flowing whitish robe. He had a beard, soft to the touch. I could not see what His eyes looked like—His face was too bright.

In some of the songs, Jesus danced with me. In one song, He had twirled me, and sometimes I would spin at such a fast speed that I was just a blur, and sometimes I would float up to the sky from the spin. In another song, He held me tight, as if in a slow-dance.

There were crowds of people surrounding Jesus from all sides. We also were in whitish flowing robes or gowns. We sang these songs to Him. There really was nothing else that we could have imagined wanting to do more than to praise Jesus and to sing of how wonderful He was. We adored being with Him.

During “Holy, Holy, Holy,” cherub-like angels, or toddlers?, in groups of three would link arms and float in the sky around Jesus. I know that this is one of the favorite songs of the angels.

Nothing delighted us more than being with Jesus, in His presence, and singing to Him.

When the song set was over, my phone rang—my niece was calling for my son. I handed the phone to him then looked up at the freeway overpass we were about to pass. On the overpass there was a big sign that read, “JESUS LOVES YOU.”

If that was not a wonderful “glimpse of eternity” then what else could it be?

From “My God Reigns”—“There’s no where else that I’d rather be than dancing with You as You sing over me. There’s nothing else that I’d rather do, Lord, than to worship You.”

In memory of my grandma...

2008-03-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Choi, Woon Sam aka Peggy Sandifer

Today, on Monday, 3/10/08, we buried my sweet grandma. It was a very nice graveside service, in a peaceful area, with a nice view. The weather was nice and the sky was beautiful. We had a wonderful funeral service yesterday (Sunday, 3/9/08) which showed what a special person my grandma was. Thank you to all who have been there for me and my family in this last week, and over the years--thank you all for your prayers, love, and friendship. Thank you to family, Erin and your expertise and presence on my grandma's last day, Woody and your prayer/watching my grandma's last breath with me, John and JoAnna who also were with me last Monday evening. Thank you to Brian for all of your work for both services, and attention to detail. Thank you to Tim, John, and Natalie for your patience for me, and kindness and love for Grandma Peggy (and me). Much love and thanks also goes out to my mom, sisters--Melinda and Suzy--and their families.

Here are two videos that we made and some words that I shared at the funeral.

HE KNOWS MY NAME

YOU RAISE ME UP

My grandma and I have always shared a special bond. She took care of me when I was a baby and helped raise me when I was older.

My earliest memory is of me falling asleep holding my grandma’s hand when I was around the age of two. I loved being with her and she took good care of me. I remember my favorite breakfast that she would make that probably no other kid would have for breakfast—grits with kimchee! She would even cut the kimchee into little squares for me, so that it would fit perfectly on the spoonful of grits. I remember sitting and doing a Road Runner puzzle at her table while watching TV. I remember walking by her house with my dad, hoping she would see me and convince my dad to let me come inside. I remember trips to the Whitefront store in Oakland. I remember playing with boats in her bathtub and how snug I felt as she would wrap me in a bathrobe afterwards, then set me under the hair dryer for my hair to dry.

My grandmother was a person of great strength and bravery. She endured a lot of struggles, disappointments, and situations that we are lucky to not encounter in our own lives today. She did what she had to do in order to survive, succeed, and did many things that others would not have the courage to do. These experiences helped to strengthen her character and allowed her to depend so well on herself.

My grandmother had a helping and giving heart. She really wanted what was best for her loved ones, even if we did not see that at the time. Everything she did for someone was what she thought was the best thing to do at the time. At times, she over-helped, and over-gave, but it was because of her love for those dear to her heart. She helped to raise me and my sisters, and I am very thankful for that. She helped nieces and nephews who were new to the United States. She always had something to give someone as they left her house, such as gifts, money, or food.

My grandmother was such a hard worker. Her determination to survive and succeed during the Korean war is one example of that. Another is that you would never see her resting. Even in her older years, she would come to a relative’s home and help in some way, such as by cleaning the kitchen, pulling weeds, taking out the garbage, cleaning toilets, folding laundry, and even picking up lint and crumbs from the carpet. Whatever she thought needed to be done, she would do. She would also help care for the babies, and I know that my kids loved riding around on her back—also known as “ah-boo-bah” in the Korean language.

My grandma relied on me for a lot of things. As soon as I could drive, I was taking her to various medical appointments. She encouraged me to enter the medical field. She had high standards and expected the best from people. I enjoyed going on these medical visits with her since I got to learn new things. I also helped her in other ways since her English and education was not as strong as mine. But, she was one who understood people, especially as a business woman. She could negotiate any price on any service. She was never afraid to ask something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

My grandmother called me her “post”—her “strength” and I am glad that God gave us each other so that we could help each other in our lives.

In October 2004, my life changed as my grandmother was hospitalized and became bedridden. It was so hard to see someone who was so strong and independent, become so weak and dependent on others. Not to mention how hard it is to see someone you love in that situation. I tried to do whatever I thought best for her over the years, as her health slowly got worse and worse. My grandma trusted me to do what was best for her, and I hope I did not fail her in that. It was so hard for me since I felt like there was not much I could do to REALLY help her…

I am thankful that over the last few years, my grandma has always been comfortable and not in pain. That was my constant prayer for her. I also prayed that she would always remember how much her family and God loved her, and that she was special to all of us. When I would visit, I would mention different relatives’ names so that she would remember everyone.

I had also prayed that when it was her time to leave this earth, that it would be peaceful, that she would be comfortable—not in pain, not gasping for breath. I also prayed that I would be there at the end. All of these prayers came true.

I thank God for always being with my grandmother and with us. I thank Him for listening to my grandma’s prayers of protection over her family. I thank Him for listening to our prayers for my grandma during this time of confusion, heartache, and anguish over the last few years.

I love you, Grandma!

Baptism of John and Natalie

2007-11-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

Tim and I had the honor of seeing our kids baptized on Sunday, 10/28/07.

It was a great day, with Tim's parents in town, and Tim's dad was our guest preacher--although we were disappointed that our two favorite preachers could not share the day with us.

My mom, two sisters, and all of their families were there to share the day with us, along with our church family. Afterwards, we celebrated with lunch (Korean food--yum!) after morning church services. Other special people came to share the day with us. It was good spending the afternoon with everyone.

We were honored that our kids wanted us to baptize them--John wanted Tim to baptize him, and Natalie wanted me to baptize her. I was very humbled and honored to baptize Natalie. It all seemed very natural to have the four of us standing together as a family in the baptistry. John was a little nervous, but was fine. Natalie got "stagefright" but was fine once the baptism was over, as you can see from the video as she greeted everyone with a big smile.

I adore our children and our family. I am amazed at John and Natalie's maturity and understanding of some things, and their childlike faith that I sometimes wish that I had.

This video is very short--edited much!--but now you can say that "you were there" even if you were far away!

Praise God!

Get in touch with a friend today!

2007-10-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

I had the chance, last night, to spend some time with some friends I haven't seen in a LONG time! They were friends I've had since junior high school! It is so strange to think that I now have a child almost the same age as when I first met these two!

I had a blast last night! It was so fun to reminisce with Connie and Sandy. We looked through yearbooks and talked about people we knew and what had happened to them, laughed about the crushes and boyfriends we had, remembered fun times that have been long forgotten.

A get-together had been long overdue. And, we've lost touch here and there throughout the years. I am so glad we got together last night. It is neat to see what is going on in my friends' lives now and where they are at. They are a treasure to me. I'm thankful for the past experiences we've had, and look forward to more fun times in the future.

I appreciate Sandy and her loyalty as a friend. I appreciate Connie and her sense of adventure and fun. I appreciate them both for being such great friends in the past, and for loving me while overlooking my faults. I've spent countless hours in their homes as a teenager. We've had a lot of fun times together. I remember sleepovers with Sandy, staying up and giggling about things all night. (I also remember TPing houses with her...but I didn't just say that in public...) I remember the awesome trip to Yosemite (GATE trip) with Connie--what a blast! Snowshoeing through trees, hiking here and there...

So, let this be an encouragement to whoever stops by here, to contact an "old" friend with whom you may have lost contact or who you just haven't contacted recently. I bet that he or she would welcome the surprise and chance to get reacquanted, and to laugh over past memories.

We're still cute! :)

~~~~~~Sandy~~~~~~Nina~~~~~~Connie~~~~~~

This is one of my favorite pictures with Connie, although she is trying to not laugh!
You see, I had an ulterior motive in getting this picture taken--ha ha ha!

Sandy and I at Grad Night at Disneyland!

Some goofy guy in the middle!

Enjoy, Connie and Sandy, and others who stop by here!

Thank God for friends!

Wow!

2007-09-19T21:53:00.001-07:00

I got the following video from Brandon Scott Thomas' blog. (Thanks Brandon!)

I won't add comments, as I'm sure you'll have your own thoughts and feelings about this!
But, I do think that "Wow!" sums it up!

Clear Lake and cabooses

2007-08-18T22:21:00.001-07:00

Tim and I got a chance to get away for a few days for our 16th wedding anniversary.
(I have an AWESOME husband!)
We had a FABULOUS time!

We went to a place called Nice, CA--I know, the name seems redundant!
Nice is one of the cities that borders Clear Lake, the largest freshwater natural lake in CA.
Mt. Konocti, a dormant volcano, borders part of the lake.
This was the first visit for both of us.
It was very peaceful and quiet.
I loved waking up to fresh air, quietness, and the beauty and calm of the lake.
The weather was fantastic.
We rented a ski boat one day and got to explore the huge lake while on the water.
I was amazed at how few people were out on the lake! It was like we had it to ourselves!
--Now, back to work on Monday...Oh, well!--

We stayed at a place called Featherbed Railraod which was quite charming.
They converted cabooses into thematic rooms.
To see the different room themes, check out www.featherbedrailroad.com

They also served a FANTASTIC breakfast to us each morning!

One of the views of Clear Lake and Mt. Konocti from our caboose

Mt. Konocti from the middle of the lake

Enjoy the rest of your summer! --Me

Happy Birthday, John!

2007-08-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, John!

You are a blessing to me and I am proud of you!
I can't believe that you are 11 years old now!
I love you!

"Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk--Everybody has a good time!"

For John's birthday celebration, we went to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We did have a great time! The water was cold so we did not bring swimwear. We had a blast on the rides though! The boys played miniature golf later while the girls hung out at the arcade.

We even went on the Giant Dipper (almost 100 years old, wooden rollercocaster)--our little Natalie, along with Dad, were in the VERY front! This was the first time for both John and Natalie to ride on a BIG rollercoaster! (Unfortunately, we don't have pictures of that.)

AJ, John, Destiny

John and Natalie--Hey! I like this set up!

Destiny looks bored, John is posing, Michaela is ready!

The chaperones!

Three generations

2007-08-08T22:00:00.001-07:00

Peggy---Nina---Sonia
Picture from the 70's!
My grandmother, me at age 5, and my mom. (Remarriage to my dad.)

On Monday, 8/6, we celebrated my mom's birthday. (And my father-in-law's on 8/7, and my son's on 8/8.) We took my mom out to a nice dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. After that, she and I sent the hubby and kids home and indulged at the Bare Escentuals/Bare Minerals store. It was a fun evening! Happy Birthday, Mom!

Tonight, I visited my grandmother and she was the most coherent I have seen her in months. Lately, it has been a chore to get her to answer yes/no questions and for her to stay awake or alert while talking. I greeted her and told her that I loved her and she said, "I love you too." I can't think of how long it has been since I have heard that. She did more than answer yes/no questions and even initiated some sentences herself. I asked her who I was and she said my name. It has been quite some time since she has done that too. I stayed with her longer than I had planned, in order to take advantage of her state of mind. I chatted and she seemed to understand things by nodding when I'd asked if she remembered something. I talked about God and heaven, and prayed with her. I was really amazed, and thankful, for a nice evening. I just never know for sure what to expect when I visit her. These surprises are nice.

Good Friday

2007-08-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share my Friday with you. It was a good day and it is neat to write about those days...

I did not have to work on Friday, and that is always good! In the morning, the kids were busy getting ready to go to their last day of Performing Arts Camp. They would be there ALL day as they had a performance in the evening. We were all excited and looking forward to a good evening.

I had a medical appointment in the morning, and even though about 100% of those who have to undergo this procedure hates it, at least now it is over with and I was taking care of myself by doing it.

After the appointment, I went to a friend's parent's home. I had high school yearbooks that I borrowed from a friend MANY years ago, I am embarrassed to say! I have been meaning to return them for quite some time! I was able to return his yearbooks since his mom was home. I had never met her, and she told me about the recent death of her husband. It was quite sad. I hope I was able to be a comfort to her in some way, and told her that I would pray for her. JT--I hope you and your family are doing well...

Next, I went to visit my grandmother at the nursing home. She was up in a chair next to the window. For the past week, she has been more awake than usual, and that has been nice. I sat and "chatted" with her, even though she doesn't talk, really. She was able to answer a couple of my questions. I asked her, "What are you thinking about?" I think that her answer was, "Korea." When I asked her the same question later, she said that she was thinking about me. I sat and chatted as if she understood what I was saying; I have no idea if she did. I was reading the local little newspaper and got to the second-to-last page where there was an opinion poll. I glanced at the pictures to see if there was anyone I knew, and there was my husband! He was commenting about liking to hang out at one of the local coffeehouses. He had forgotten to tell me about being in the paper, so it was a fun surprise.

Next, lunch from one of my favorite places--Panera Bread! If you have one in your area, you should try them out. I was hoping to meet a friend for lunch, but she got out of her appointment late.

Continuing the taking-care-of-self theme, I got my hair cut. I am really glad to have found someone who is only 5 minutes from my home and who has reasonable rates, not to mention who does a great job!

Got to chat and spend some time with my hubby while home, then I was off to my acupuncture appointment. This was my first visit with her, and I was pleased. I feel like conventional physicians have not quite given me the help nor answers I've wanted about some things, and I have done acupuncture in the past and know it works. I look forward to future visits and to improved health--and reduced effects of stress.

Next, a quick salad for dinner, then off to the kids' performance. They only had Monday through Friday to prepare for the performance Friday evening, and they did a fantastic job!

The younger kids (those entering grades 2-5) did a musical called "Life Is Good" written by a local husband-wife whose daughters attended the Performing Arts Day Camp. This play talked about grief--about the bad things in life--but that in all, still, life is good. (And that God is good!) It was such a joy to watch Natalie on stage. She so enjoys it and smiles all of the time. She gets into the singing and dancing. A treasure to watch!

The older kids (those entering grades 6-9) did "Godspell, Jr." which is a remake of the 70's movie, "Godspell." There was a lot of acting and songs throughout. The kids wore colorful clothes. It was a lot of fun. And, it was fun to watch John who did not have as much stagefright! He even was in the middle of the stage next to the main actors in some scenes. We are proud of him, too, for doing a great job!

Although we were all tired enough, the evening couldn't end until after a visit to The Ice Creamery, which kind of serves as an unofficial post-performance party location. My mom was with us too, and I just wish that I had invited more people. I'm glad she was able to make it since I only asked her one hour before the performance time!

I really enjoyed my day off. I had fun, and took care of me; I need to make a habit of that!

Enjoy life--life is good!--and remember to take time for yourself, and to take care of yourself, too!

Happy Birthday, angel Natalie!

2007-07-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, my sweet Natalie!
Eight WONDERFUL years together!
You are a kind, sweet, smart, talented & beautiful young lady.

Above is Natalie's good friend Bryn on the left and good friend-cousin Michaela on the right.
We celebrated with cousins and friends at one of Natalie's favorite places, The Jungle!

I was trying to get a cute mommy-daughter picture and Natalie was trying to not laugh,
and she and Michaela were being silly! Lovely faces!

Birthday Princess for a day,
Empress of the Universe for life! :)

I baked cupcakes for Natalie and friends on her birthday during lunch break,
at Performing Arts Camp

Natalie had a great birthday week--spent fun time with friends who spent the night and with those who came to The Jungle, enjoyed her various gifts, and cherished her time with family.

Go, Padres!

2007-07-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

I said that I'd get a picture of Tim's grandmother, and what better picture than one while at the Padres' game that we went to last week in San Diego. Charlene is an avid Padres fan. When Tim's grandfather, Bud, was still alive, Bud and Charlene would travel to Arizona to watch the Padres during Spring Training. Later this month, Charlene will be going to Cooperstown to see Tony Gwynn inducted into the Hall of Fame. She lucked out and will even have a VIP pass--or something like that!

Here we are at the game--we were hoping our signs would get us on the big screen, but it didn't. Oh well! But, there were a lot of people wishing that they could be at Cooperstown, too! And it was Chicken Night with the San Diego Chicken, so that was fun! (The Padres lost!)

Me and John

Our Great-Grandma is going to...

Cooperstown! (Charlene, upper left corner)

Here's Charlene,with Tim to the left

Cousin Rachel, Natalie, Granny Gerry, Papa Garey

Happy July!

2007-07-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

I say "Happy July!" since it is now past the Fourth! I hope you had a great time with friends and family. We sure did! We love visiting San Diego where Tim's parents and grandmother lives! We flew this time and the 1&1/2 hour flight is SOO much nicer than the 8-10 hour drive!

This picture is not complete, but Tim's 91-year-old grandma had a complete dinner waiting for us after we flew in. She is amazing! Tim's favorite is her home made rolls--they are wonderful. We also had meatloaf, corn on the cob, a great salad, steamed broccoli, other veggies, iced tea...and let's not forget to mention the homemade chocolate chip cookies and the oatmeal cookies waiting for us. No visit is complete without her making cookies for the grandkids!
(I will try to get a picture of her later!)

Cousin Rachel and John at the table; Rachel stayed with us a few days then flew with us to San Diego. John and Natalie sure love having their older cousin around, and they get along great.

Tim and I had a great surprise before our 4th of July BBQ. Our friends Dwayne and Loree--and baby Alyssa--happened to be in San Diego too. It was so great to see them, to catch up with Dwayne, to get to know Loree better, and to play with Alyssa! What a cutie!

Papa Garey and Alyssa

Granny Gerry and Alyssa

Alyssa playing with daddy Dwayne

Awesome shot of Alyssa while up in the air with Daddy

And of course, no trip to San Diego is complete without one, or a dozen, trips to the BEACH!

HAVE A WONDERFUL SUMMER!!!

On the health front...

2007-06-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

...Please pray for Tim as he is having an endoscopy tomorrow (Tuesday, 6/5) morning. He has been having pain in his stomach area for quite some time now, and we are praying that this will not be anything serious, and will be easily treatable...

...Please pray for me as I am making adjustments to take better care of my liver, after seeing my ultrasound results, and will have an appointment with a GI physician next week... (See, you turn 40, and your body goes downhill from there!) ;)

...Our son John got glasses a couple of weeks ago. Now he looks more like Mom and Dad. He also had to have 5 baby teeth pulled, as they were in the way of the new ones that had grown in. Because of this, he may require braces although his teeth are pretty straight! We'll find out in a month... Please pray for no braces, no braces, no braces......... (And yes, thank God that we live in a country where our child can get braces if needed.) ........and his sprained ankle still needs to heal completely...

...Natalie is her usual energetic self, although she frequently has complaints of headaches or her tummy bothering her. Perhaps it's just a hungry tummy. One physician thought she might have "abdominal migraines" where the pain is both in the tummy and head. I know Tim was hoping that our kids would not inherit his migraines...

...My grandmother, I guess, is "status quo." She was hospitalized the second week in May for an infection. She actually had two bacterial infections that were actually opposing each other--treat one and the other one might get worse. I think they are improved. In terms of memory, she does remember me. But, she is also confused sometimes too with who is whom...

...My mom and me. The situation and feelings surrounding my grandmother's condition is really hard to bear. I know that I have a really hard time dealing with her declining health and being helpless to help her. My mom and I sometimes weave in and out of days of depression or discouragement. How sad to see someone who was once so strong and independent, now so fragile, helpless, and dependent on others. She has surprised us by stilling being here. She is comfortable, thank God, as that is my constant prayer for her. I also always pray that she knows that God is with her. When I mentioned to her yesterday that God is always with her, she said "That's good."

...There are several loved ones of people close to me who have been struck with some sort of tragedy recently. There just seems to be an overabundance of these situations right now. How strange and sad, and I pray that they all will, or will continue, to hold on to God's unchanging hand.

...For my patients. There are three husbands who may lose their wives in the near future. We treat some very sick patients and also have some hospice patients. It is disheartening to see how young some of our patients are, too. I pray for God to lift these patients and their families up, too.

I just have had all of these health-related issues and people on my mind and heart lately. I hope you and your families are well. I've realized that I cannot be "good" enough, smart enough, "deserving" enough, etc., etc., etc., to not have anything tragic happen to me or someone I love. I thank God for the good days. I pray for no bad days, but know that we cannot live our lives without both the good and bad. We must bless His name "when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be" and "on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering."

Blessed be His name.

xoxo

05-06-07

2007-05-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you to my husband, children, family, and friends!

This year, my birthday was on 05/06/07. Tim had a party for me as I turned this "new" age. The invite was titled: Nina's "She-doesn't-look-a-day-over 25" Birthday Party.
(What a nice husband!) :)

It was a good day, on a Sunday afternoon. In all, including kids, there were about 60 guests. Thanks to Tim for all of the work and planning to put things together. And thanks to those who were able to come, and for those who sent messages my way. I didn't know who was going to be there until that day, so that was fun.

So, here are some pics from that day. I wish that those of you who are far away could've made it, but I DO understand! So now, you get to share in that day, in a way.

Tim made me wear this tiara that said "Birthday Girl." Queen for a day, Princess for life!

Tim bought my cake from a newly-discovered-to-me awesome famous french bakery in Berkeley and the Clairemont area of Oakland. (LaFarine.com)

Presents are always fun. This picture is a "nice" present, but if you need any, I also have some denture adhesive and gingko biloba to share. (Thanks, long-time friend, Jeff!)

Me and Natalie

Me and John

Beautiful flower arrangement from Tim, next to my cake.

I had fun putting together a list of songs from 1967-2007--one popular song from each year. There were SO MANY to choose from, from the 60's and 70's, and even 80's. The 90's got a bit harder, and I needed help from my kids and nieces for pop songs from the last several years! Gee, maybe I am getting old!

Thanks for sharing this special day, and my life, with me! xoxo--Nina

(A copy of the evite from Tim, that I didn't get to see until 5/6/7:)

You are invited to share Nina's (insert whatever age you believe here)th Birthday with us! I won't say how old she will be, but let's just say that she was born sometime after Pampers were invented, and leave it at that!

We'll be getting together for mid-afternoon finger foods and cake, and don't be too surprised if a game of "Train" dominoes or "Oh, Phooey" (a.k.a. "Nina Always Wins") breaks out.

Nina would love to see as many of you as can come. Gifts are not expected. If you really want to give something, and don't know what to get for her, she has a wish list on Froogle.com.

Please note -- THIS IS NOT A SURPRISE PARTY! Anyone who knows us will understand that I can't surprise Nina with anything! So, we'll let the surprise be all about who is able to come to the party! Reply via this eVite, and I'll know -- but I won't tell her, so she can be surprised to see you!

If you can't make it, please forward your thoughts, kind wishes, funny or embarassing stories, or anything you want to send her at the email account I've set up just for this purpose: ninas40th@gmail.com, and they'll be presented to her on the day of the party.

Surrender

2007-04-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

The following are some words that I shared with our church on a Celebration Sunday on 4/1/07 after completing the 40 Days of Purpose study by Rick Warren. After this, the Praise Team sang the song I wrote, "Psalm 34:2"

I like to start off my day by saying, “Dear God, please help me to surrender to You.”

Some days I forget. Some days when I’m better focused, I say it throughout the day.

Surrendering is not easy for me. My natural tendency is to be in control, to over-plan, and to worry about things and how they’ll turn out. I’m good at those things, and they can show up in various areas of my life…

…Especially when something unexpected or unwanted comes up—like the declining health of my grandmother. It is so easy to just do what I do naturally. I’ve tried to be in control of her healthcare as best as I can. I have worried about her care, her spirit, and her death. I have tried to over-plan any possible scenario to somehow be more ready for things and less surprised at whatever may happen down the road. My grandmother is like a mom to me, and it really hurts to see a loved-one deteriorating. This has been going on for 2&1/2 years now.

So, with the discouragement and emotional drain of my grandmother’s health, as well as other things, I became in some sort of state of decline. I spent several months feeling like my life was in a “fog” and was distancing myself from people. It was so much easier to avoid things and situations that I did not like rather than to confront them. I was not depressed, but I was having such a hard time figuring out how the joy of the Lord would be my strength.

Because of God’s power, the ZOE Group conference in January, as well as the 40 Days of Purpose has helped to put me on the road to where I need to be.

I have realized that in NOT surrendering to God, I was just wrestling with Him like Jacob did. I was trying to make things happen that didn’t need to happen. I was praying too many “comfort me” prayers instead of “conform me” prayers.

I believe Rick Warren is correct when he says that it’s important to stay focused on God’s plan and not my pain or problem. It would be hard to fulfill God’s purposes while focusing on my own plans.

When I read The Purpose Driven Life with an open heart and mind, it becomes a tool for introspection so that I can see what I need to do to make myself more Christ-like. I couldn’t help but be convicted of some changes that I need to make in my life, and to start the process of working on them.

I have found recently that the more I surrender to God, the more free I feel. The more I SURRENDER, the more FREE I feel. I really do believe that the blessings of surrender are experiencing peace, freedom, and God’s power.

I wish that surrendering could be a one-time thing. “Okay—I’ve surrendered this time, so I don’t have to surrender again.” But, surrendering is something to be practiced continually, especially when our old habits want to take over again. Surrendering to God is something to be practiced in all areas of our lives.

I had been wanting to write a song for God since it had been a while since I had done so. One day last week, I was able to find some quiet time. I sat down with a notebook, pen, and Bible. Before I could even ask myself, “What should I write about?” or “What should I read from the Bible?,” I heard the words, “Psalm 34:2” in my head. I thought, “Okay…let’s see where this goes…” and turned to my Bible. My NIV reads: “My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.” The Contemporary English version states: “With all my heart I will praise the Lord. Let all who are helpless, listen and be glad.”

Words and melodies immediately flowed from pen to paper without much effort or editing. I was really amazed at how easy it was. I love it when God inspires me like that! I had to actually think a little for the second verse. After a little bit of editing of the song, the Praise Team is ready to sing it for you this morning.

Remember that we ALL are afflicted in some way—whether through our basic pain from trials, tribulations, temptations, or sin. But, God wants us to rejoice. He wants us to share our pain so that He can show His power through our pain.

By sharing my songs with you, I am sharing a part of me with you, and I am happy to serve you in this way. I hope that God will bless you through something that He has had me do.

Yosemite

2007-04-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

What a blessing--we got to spend some time at Yosemite! It was the kids' first visit. It was awesome this time of year--waterfalls all around since it is springtime, with all of the snow feeding the falls! The weather was just right. I just wish we had more time to spend there and that we could have hiked to some other places. I can't wait until our next visit there!

The view before going into Yosemite National Park, from 120. Bridal Veil falls way in the back.

Lower Yosemite Falls up close

Upper Yosemite Falls from afar

A view of Upper and Lower Falls, and Middle Cascades

We got a chance to hike around Mirror Lake--turning into Mirror Meadow...

The kids near Mirror Lake, with Half Dome in the background.

Half Dome from Mirror Lake

This tree has been around for a LONG time!

At Happy Isles

After a long day hiking, we could come back to our hotel and enjoy the river running through our backyard, and soak in the enormous jacuzzi bathtub!

--Thank you, God, for your wonderful creation,
and a chance to enjoy the glory of your works!--

A new home in a familiar neighborhood...

2007-03-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those who have asked how my grandmother is doing.

After 5 weeks in the hospital, she was finally transferred out this week. She is in a new nursing home, and it is amazing how God has worked out for her to be at this place. There arose many complications with no more room in the previous home, then issues that this new home couldn't take her, to other preferred homes which did not have room, to switching to a new physician, to that preferred physician not being able to take her as a new patient, to another preferred physician who now might not take her, to finally both the new home and the new preferred physician who did take her.

This new home has less than 40 patients; we who've worked in the industry know that they are called "residents." The care there in this short while has been fantastic. She already has one less catheter which will help prevent recurrent infections. Her hair looked so clean and fluffy like I have not seen in a long time. It is so nice to know that someone else is REALLY caring for my grandma when I'm not there!

Did I tell you that she has been off of oxygen since last week, since a few days before her hospital discharge? I thought she would be on that for the rest of her life! She had been on it for many months--more than half a year--I can't remember when she started it... I am amazed!

The location of the new home is in familiar territory; it is not too far from my church and it is down the street from the high school from which I graduated. Her home which she owned for about 35 years is about 10 minutes away. It is not too far from my mom, and is on her way home from work.

During the whole process of trying to find a new place and new physician for her at the last minute, there were several obstacles and times in which new decisions had to be made. My natural tendency is to worry and to overplan, but I have been working on surrendering to God lately. I would stop myself and remind myself that God was in charge, that He would take care of it all, and I would surrender myself from being in control, from worry, and from overplanning. I must say that it sure worked out great!

I pray that my grandmother--and her family--and the staff--will be blessed by her being at this new home. I wish that she could live with me and that I could care for her, but that is not possible.

While she was in the hospital, I spent most of my days concerned that this might be the day in which I'd have to put her on hospice care. I'm so glad to see her doing better. Again, I'm constantly amazed at how she bounces back... She is SUCH a fighter! And, God keeps doing things that I don't expect! :)

I would much rather see her doing so well and to pass from this life having a bit more dignity and quality of life compared to how she has been the last 2.5 years...

I'd appreciate continued prayers for her peace and comfort, and for her to feel God's presence with her constantly.

Thanks!

Thanks, Tuition, Taxes

2007-03-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you know that we have decided where our kids will go to school next year. They will be going to a local Christian school and will be together at the same school for one more school year. The thankful news is that the money that we will be receiving back from our tax returns will cover the tuition! Isn't that great? God really does take care of us! Thank you, Great Provider!!! :)

Snow Fun Day

2007-03-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

We spent the day in the snow yesterday. The weather was perfect. They received 5 feet of fresh snow before we got there, and the temp was a high of 68 degrees! It was so nice and warm, for being in the snow; it felt like we could sunbathe! I LOVE living in California!!! :)

You must honor thy mother--or else!!!

We all know how hard it is to WALK in snow, but our gymnast still manages to turn cartwheels in the snow!

Here's visual proof that Tim was in the snow...he just LOVES the snow and cold...his first experience as a little tike in the snow, touching the snow for the first time, was a disgusted, "It's COLD!"

Advice from a 10-year-old

2007-02-24T08:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to update you with things here, and to end with some advice given to me by our son, John.

Our family is still getting over viruses and such this week. John's flu turned into bronchitis, but he just finished his 5-day course of antibiotics. Tim is fighting a cough and stuff, but hopefully will improve and not get any worse! The females in the family are "so far so well" and will hopefully stay that way!

My grandmother had surgery last week (2/18/07) and is okay this week. Her blood pressure had dropped quite low after surgery, as well as before surgery, so I did not know if I might receive a phone call from ICU staff that night… But, her blood pressure is okay now. It took several days until her system cleared some things out, but that is improved now. She is on a TPN (getting food by IV) in order to get her whole GI tract working properly again. Last night she had to have a blood transfusion.

Everyday I wonder, “Is this the day that we will end up having to put her on comfort/hospice care?” (I am hoping to be spared having to make that decision but am afraid that I am supposed to make that decision some day, as an expression of faith maybe?… Don't know...)

In the midst of my questioning, trying to plan out possible courses of action for possible scenarios, wondering, searching, praying, etc., my son gave me some advice:

• Be patient with yourself.
• Don’t make 5 billion decisions right now.
• Take your time finding out what you’re going to do.

So, I will take his advice, and am thankful to God for such a wonderful son, as well as such a wonderful daughter (thanks for the nice picture!), wonderful husband, and wonderful friends.

Thanks for prayers and encouragement. I know you’re concerned since so much of this burden lies on MY shoulders… But, I have some tools and am handling my stress pretty well, thank you God!

Sickness and Surgery: A Summary of This Last Week

2007-02-17T22:35:00.000-08:00

Short version: My grandmother is having surgery tomorrow--on Sunday, 2/18/07, we just found out... She went into the hospital Monday, and from Tuesday on had been back to her normal self, almost--or at least, much better than we've seen her in months or even a couple of years. (She is more alert and aware, and will talk--not just answer yes/no questions.) Her physician cannot give an explanation to this wonderful responsive. (Thank you, God!) And, the rest of us are trying to stay healthy, get enough sleep, and hope those who are sick do not get worse.

Monday: My niece had spent the night and I was awoken to her being sick and with fever. My grandmother was sent to the hospital for fever and not being responsive. I visited her in the ER that morning; I could never get any kind of response or answer from her. She had a CT scan of her brain which showed that everything was normal. My mom and I visited her again that evening. We spoke with my grandma’s Infectious Disease physician, whom I worked with at a previous hospital. He said that if there was no improvement in a couple of days, then we may have to adjust our plans. I was preparing for the worse—that we were near the end.

Tuesday: Went to the hospital during my lunch break, and my grandmother could talk to me, and knew who I was. ("Hi Nina.") She had not been that alert in WEEKS. She couldn’t answer who I was the previous 4-5 weeks. It was SOO amazing! Thank God! I left when they were going to take her for an X-ray of her abdomen.

Wednesday: I was awoken early with a son who was sick with high fevers—even 103.7 on Motrin later that night. Visited Grandma during lunch and was amazed at how she would not only answer my questions, but would even initiate conversation herself. She didn’t want me to leave. I left when they were going to take her down for an MRI.

Thursday: Both kids are sick. Didn’t get to visit my grandma, but knew that my mom would. Grandma had a PICC line placed, so that she could get her IV meds through a central line and not be poked elsewhere—hard for the nurses to find a good vein. Spoke to her nurse to make sure all was well and to send a greeting to her. My mom said that my grandmother and her talked a lot during her visit.

Friday: Both kids are still sick. Visited Grandma in the afternoon with a friend, and she was very responsive. She asked if we ate. She said that her room was empty. She chatted. She was almost funny/sarcastic for some answers—like when I asked her three times in a row if she knew who Nina was. She later said that she needed us to leave since she needed to sleep. I visited her again that evening with my mom, but she slept the whole time.

Saturday: Spoke with my grandma’s Infectious Disease physician on the phone. He, too, was amazed at how much my grandmother was talking; he didn’t remember ever seeing her like that either. He said that he did not know what to attribute her responsiveness to—he didn’t have an explanation as to what had helped her become more verbal and alert. I also mentioned that I had not seen my grandma like that in MONTHS and MONTHS.

Late this afternoon, I was informed that something came up regarding my grandmother’s health and she HAS TO have surgery tomorrow, Sunday. I hate the thought of her having to have surgery again, and going through all of that, but this is a necessity, or she would surely die. (She would "blow up and explode" as the kind surgeon put it. Thanks a lot.)

In the evening, I visited my grandma with Tim. She was very tired but comfortable. She was glad to have us there. She didn’t converse but would answer the questions I’d ask her. She was so sleepy. She was able to ask me twice why was she having surgery. She wanted us to stay although she was sleepy, but we left later as they were taking her down for another X-ray.

As for sick kids, our daughter is mostly better. Our son had a normal temperature this morning, but the fever returned this afternoon, darn it! We are hoping this flu does not turn into pneumonia as has happened to others in the area. My niece is also still sick! My hubby is not feeling well, and hasn’t felt well off and on this week.

As for me--like I can afford to be sick? I have to be three places at one time sometimes, and unfortunately, one of those places is not at home sick in bed. (Although I had wished for that, a friend prayed that I wouldn't get sick...darn it, again!)

Sunday: I will awaken early to see my grandma before she goes to surgery.

"I LOVE YOU"

2007-02-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

It has been almost 4 weeks now since my last "good" conversation with my grandmother. (See 1/11/07 blog.) Since then, she has been quite sleepy and harder to talk to. I cannot prove that she knows who I am. She will not say my name when I ask her who I am, yet she nods her head yes when I ask if she knows who Nina is. She cannot answer my question of, "Do you know how much I love you?"

In the midst of trying to converse with her last week, asking questions that could not be answered, she boldly stated to me: "I LOVE YOU."

I'm not even totally sure if she knows that I am ME, yet her heart knew that she loved me, and was able to communicate that to me.

How sweet is the love you can have for someone, even when you are not really sure who she is... I am sure that her heart remembers even when her mind cannot...

Just wanted to share that with you.

I LOVE YOU,
--Nina

Idolatry--something to think about

2007-01-29T11:14:00.000-08:00

We just got back from a wonderful conference by the ZOE Group in Fresno.
http://zoegroup.org/

I am thankful for the concentrated time that I needed to be drawn closer to God. I have been "wrestling" with Him and not being still to hear whatever He needs to say to me.

Lauren Winner (http://www.laurenwinner.net) was one of the speakers, and she had some things to say about idolatry. I think this topic is something that we think about in passing, but don't really analyze what idols we have in our own lives, or even understand to what extent we may have them. At least this was so for me.

Some ideas about idolatry:

It is "forgetting our address on our way HOME."
It is mistaking PARTIAL truths for ULTIMATE truths.
"Idol-spising" is not good for us. That is when we idolize AND despise someone for something, such as a certain talent or good quality. We in turn despise and idolize the opposite in ourselves. This only breeds sour discontentment. (Especially true for women--like admiring and hating other women's/our own figures.)
It is an outgrowth of a failure to believe who God is--that He is faithful.
It distorts reality.
We need to remember that God wants to be our friend.
We should focus on proclaiming our testimonies about God to each other instead of focussing just on knocking our idols down.
One online definition: It is excessive devotion to something.

So--applying this to me. My obsession with researching answers to my questions and not waiting for answers from God is a type of idolatry. I'm relying on my own knowledge and not on God's faithfulness. I put too much time in trying to research and find an answer to which there is yet no answer. I put parameters on what I do and don't want--which is not entirely bad since He does want to give us the desires of our hearts--but I'm also not leaving myself open to whatever God wants for me. I'm trying to control too much, and God is the one who knows best.

Example: Should we move or not? I don't know the answer yet, but try to research all options, and learn as much as possible about the possible area to which we may move. What if we were not to move there? What if we stay? What if God called us somewhere outside of California? I never even let that be an option before. BUT, I am trying to keep myself open to wherever God wants us to be, even if it is not in my current "comfort zone." If God calls us to be somewhere, then He will fully take care of us. He will take care of us wherever we are, even if I do not have all of the answers to all of the various concerns that I have.

Another example of this is spending too much time worrying how or when my grandmother will leave this earth instead of relying on God more.

Another form of idolatry for me is relying on food more than God. Not something I like to think about or admit because that brings instant judgment from others on what I look like. (At least, that is what I think.) When I am stressed, I either consciously or subconsciously sometimes, make poor food choices and eat when I don't really need to. I guess I am trying to find some type of comfort from the food and also think that putting food IN will somehow keep anger or negative feelings from coming OUT, although that is exactly what needs to be done.

Something else to think about regarding idolatry, concerning church: Although church should not be just about what happens on Sunday mornings, that is something that concerns me if we were to move and search for another church. I want to be "comfortable." I think many of us need to remember that if we put our agendas--our ideas and dreams of church--over TRULY loving one another, then that agenda/idea/dream can become a form of idolatry. Also, even if we WERE able to do anything and everything perfectly "right" at church, but did not have love, then we've really missed the point. Think of I Corinthians 13.

So, what are the idols in your life? What do you spend a lot of time doing? What do you have excessive devotion for? How are you distorting your own reality because of this?

Some words to remember for the rest of the day, from ZOE's "No Other Gods":
We will have no other gods before you.
Nothing on earth will compete for your throne.
You are the sovereign "I AM" and you reign in our hearts alone.
We will exalt you on high forever.
King of all kings and the Lord of all Lords.
We will have no other gods before you.

I will pray for you to find and understand the idols in your lives so that you can be drawn closer to God. Please pray for me as I do the same. It may not always be an easy battle, but God is faithful, and our Help.

Recommended book: Instant Emotional Healing

2007-01-24T18:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to recommend a book to everyone who stops by here. It is called Instant Emotional Healing; Acupressure for the Emotions written by George Pratt and Peter Lambrou.

Their website that I encourage you to visit: http://www.instantemotionalhealing.com/
(From here, you can also click on websites for Dr. Pratt or Dr. lambrou.)

I first heard of the book from someone very close to us who actually had an appointment with Dr. Lambrou. She used to be afraid of calling strangers on the phone, and is now over that. She has also seen him for other stress-related issues, and has benefited from the techniques that they use. I have emailed Dr. Lambrou to see what other languages the book comes in, among other things, and he has been a real pleasure to converse with electronically.

I got a copy of the book and a couple extras to give to friends, which are now gone--the books, that is, not the friends! The book talks about Energy Psychology and combines eastern and western methods into psychology and healing. This topic is just so intersting to me. Even more interesting is the fact that it works!

A simple example--as an amateur who had just started reading the book--was during my trip to Georgia. It was a Friday morning, after uncomfortable sleep (if you could call it that!) in a hotel bed, after just flying in the night before, Tim and I were driving around checking out the area/properties. I got a call regarding my grandma and had to make the decision to send her to the hospital. Remember that the previous hospital visit was one in which I thought she would surely die (and all evidences pointed in that direction!) and here she was going to the hospital again, with me across the country, my first full day away from home. We were with a realtor and there for a purpose; I had to continue with our plan. By the time we got back to the hotel in the middle of the afternoon, I felt so extremely stressed out and was so completely exhausted. Such an awful feeling. I had this book with me and thought that NOW would be a perfect time to try some of the techniques to see if it made me feel any better.

I followed the steps for stress and did not feel stressed out afterwards. It was amazing. I had a huge burden on my shoulders, but was not freaked out by everything!

Next, I was so exhausted physically and emotionally that day, but did not want to nap in late afternoon since I was afraid I wouldn't fall asleep that night, etc. I couldn't function, though, and needed to do something, so I followed the steps for fatigue. Again, was I amazed! I didn't feel like I was so exhausted and couldn't function. We were able to go to dinner and explore some more. Really amazing. I could describe this to you, and it may not mean much, but for the one who experienced the difference, it was awesome to know that it could even happen! That I could feel less stressed out and less tired in minutes! (My husband noticed a difference.)

Someone else close to us had an appointment with Dr. Pratt--I mean, George--recently, and I was able to meet him at that time. It was a treasure to watch him work and to see how the techniques help me and my family. I learned some useful tools at that appointment. I do well when I apply the techniques for stress on a regular basis. I have seen how the techniques help prevent "meltdowns" in other people.

I love Dr. Pratt's stress/relaxation/sleep CD too. I have not had a problem of falling asleep, but when I listen to the CD before bedtime anyway, I sleep such a deep sweet sleep and feel great in the morning.

Personal benefits I've noticed in myself or others close to me as a result of these techniques:
--decreased stress
--decreased anxiety
--better sleep
--better balance
--"feeling better throughout the day"
--decreased fear
--reduced jetlag
--works quickly

Now, even "instant emotional healing" is not necessarily INSTANT. You will notice a difference right away, but you should continue to practice the techniques as well. No one is immune to stress, fatigue, anger, grief, etc., and these protocols help when these emotions come up.

Some of the protocols for "emotional self-management" in this book are the following:
addictive urges/compulsive urges/habits (tried this for the first time this AM)
anger/bitter/resentment
anticipatory anxiety
anxiety/irritability/stress/worry (generalized or free floating) (worked for me!)
disgust/revulsion
embarrassment (where was this book when I was a teenager?);
fatigue/tiredness (worked for me!)
frustration/disappointment/impatience
grief/despair/hopelessness/sadness/sorrow
guilt/remorse
hiccups
jealousy/envy
jet lag
loneliness
love pain/heartache
nasal congestion
obsessional thinking
pain/chronic pain/tension headache
phobias/spiders/claustrophobia/air turbulence (Shelley--spiders?)
phobias, general/fear
PMS symptoms (I know some women who can use this)
procrastination (I'll try this one LATER!)
rage (Try this one if the PMS one doesn't work well--ha ha!)
regret
rejection/hurt feelngs
shame
trauma, emotional

If you are ever wanting to make an actual appointment with Dr. Pratt or Dr. Lambrou, they are located in San Diego--well, La Jolla. They also do phone sessions. If your insurance would cover the visit, more power to you, and I would say to definitely go for it! Even if you have to pay on your own, as we have had to, I still highly recommend it. Healing results are obtained much faster than traditional counseling.

So, check out the website if you are interested. They've had various interviews on different TV shows too. Some of the techniques are shown on the video clips. You can also obtain a free stress reduction audio that they can email to you.

I just had to share since this has been such great stuff for me and my family.

Enjoy life--starting NOW,
--Nina :)

Not afraid to die...

2007-01-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

I visited my grandmother yesterday, and she didn't know who I was. The two visits prior to that, she called me "Pretty Girl" but didn't know my name. That's okay. I think she is having another infection(s), and hopefully (both) infections will be treated with an appropriate non-IV antibiotic. In the meantime, the infections cause confusion.

(I'm concerned that she might have to go into the hospital later in the week--after all, I'll be out of town, and that is what has happened the last two times I was out of town!!! There seems to be a pattern here!!!)

Yesterday, she couldn't really answer any of my questions, but listened to me babble. (Did she have a choice? Like she could get up and leave the room or something?) :)

She wouldn't even answer some basic yes/no questions that she would normally answer. But the 2 or 3 times I asked her if she was afraid to die, she would shake her head "no."

I do find comfort in that. Even if she cannot or would not answer any other (simple) question, she can communicate that she is not afraid to die. What that really means to her, or what she really thinks about that, I do not know. I wish I could know more, but she can't communicate that. I tried asking more questions, but to no avail. How do you answer "Are you READY to die?" What in the world does "ready" even mean? This moment? Tomorrow? Next week? Whenever the time comes? When I feel like it? When you let me?

Of course, in the meantime--obviously--I just continue to analyze and think too much: Is there something I'm still supposed to do for her before she dies? Is there something she wants to happen before she dies? What am I supposed to learn from this now? What does God want me to do right now? What else do I need to say to her? What else might my kids need to learn from all of this? Am I to be with her as she crosses from "earth" to "heaven?" Am I supposed to become more spiritually "fit" in this or that before she goes? What??? Or, is everything just fine as it is now and I need to stop wondering so much???

I really do not know if God is just not speaking right now, or if I am failing to hear whatever He might be saying. I know that sometimes He is silent. I just wish I could hear whatever answers or words He might have for me...

So, my prayer request for now is for me to "hear" God, and that He will speak to me, if He is not already.

I am thankful that my grandma is comfortable--that has been my continual prayer request, and God has so mercifully granted that request. She is only on Tylenol a few times a day to help prevent discomfort from being repositioned. That is wonderful. (Think of all the aches and pains that even us much younger than her would have if we were stuck in bed, day after day after day, not to mention other ailments and conditions that she has.)

Yes, God is good all the time. Even when our feeble human minds cannot understand Him. Or cannot HEAR Him...

All is well for now

2007-01-11T21:40:00.000-08:00

Hello! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Just in case you were wondering...my grandmother had a short stay in the hospital around Christmas, and has been back in the nursing home. She has had various infections, etc., come up, but she is stable for now.

My last 2 visits with her have been good--she was awake! Tonight was really nice. She was awake and pretty attentive the whole time during my visit. She could answer questions and initiate some things herself.

Cute quotes from tonight:

Nina: "Do you know how much I love you, Grandma?"
--"A whole bunch!"
Nina: "How much do you love me?"
--"Same thing."

My grandma to me: "A lot of people love you." (How neat for her to initiate that.)

"Grandma--is there anything you want? What can I do to help you? What can I do?"
--"I like you."
Nina: "I wish that I could be here with you all of the time..."

I tried telling her that both I and my son John would like to be with her when it is time for her to leave this earth and see Jesus. But, I'm not sure what she understood or how well I said it. I just wanted her to have that comfort that she doesn't have to be alone when the time comes--whenever that time may be.

I am thankful that my grandma is comfortable and in no pain. I continue to pray that she will not have to suffer at all and will always be comfortable.

Please pray for me to have God's wisdom and strength to do or say whatever I need to.

God is faithful all of the time, even when we lack faith or are discouraged.

Have a blessed 2007 and don't be afraid to leave a comment on this blog! I'm not sure who happens to stop by here--not that there is really anything interesting here or anything! :) Besides, I appreciate the comments--they are always encouraging! Thanks for checking in.

Love,
--Nina

Grandma update again...

2006-12-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you know that my grandmother has been having fevers this week--first discovered when I visited her during my lunch break on Monday. So she started one antibiotic on Tuesday, and another one Wed. night. They just called and said her temp is at 102 so she may need to go to the hospital. --As I was writing this, they called--they are sending her to the hospital again.-- (Which means I need to show up around 1230am and not sleep tonight! I don't know what I'll do about work tomorrow!)

It doesn't help that many of the physicians at this hospital think I should just put my grandma on comfort care, but we (the family) are not quite ready to do that yet. So, I will have those discussions to face, again.

I'm supposed to leave town on Saturday to enjoy Christmas break with my hubby's family. I also want to be there for my grandma.

I've been receiving at least one call a night this past week, either telling me about a fever or start of an antibiotic. I think as time goes on I get a bit more jittery when I see that it is them calling me since I never know when I will receive "the call."

My mom and I visited a mortuary this week and finalized plans, so that was good to get out of the way. We were there almost three hours. I was already exhausted that day, and even more exhausted by the time we were done. I couldn't imagine having to do that while going through the emotions, being on "autopilot," after a loved-one had passed.

Note to those reading this: best to pre-plan mortuary services rather than waiting until after the fact. I doubt you'll regret it. When you are going through the loss of a loved one, why have something else to bother with?

We shall see what this week holds. She has rebounded all the other times. I think I get a bit less hopeful of that happening as time goes on, however.

Thank you for your prayers, especially when I don't know what to pray for.

--Nina

A Better Way (Listen to this song!)

2006-12-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to share a cool song that I first heard a couple of weeks ago on the Christian radio station, KLOVE.

It is called "A Better Way" by a group called Downhere.

Go to www.downhere.com
Click on "downhere" then you'll have to launch the jukebox, and hopefully the song will still be on the site!

You can also try http://klove.com/Music/ It is a current top song.

It starts with a very pretty piano piece at the beginning and has elements of rock. My hubby calls it a "rock ballad." The words are great. I love the music. I found a new favorite and wanted to share with you!

Enjoy!
--Nina

Downhere - A Better Way
From the album Wide-Eyed and Mystified

I'm not alone, I really believe
You never go, You never leave
Here and now, You always stay
"I love you" could not be said a better way

It's everything You've promised
There's no greater love than this
From prophets until today
A man laying down His life for His friends
Your sacrifice has spoken, You gave everything
And "I love you" could not be said
A better way

I am forgiven, I clearly see
It's why You came to do all you did for me
Trading earth with heaven, You took my place
"I love you" could not be said
A better way

Because You redeem, I know what's to come
Everything I could lose here, You've already won
So You have my surrender, with passion obey
"I love you" could not be said
A better way

What are you thankful for today?

2006-11-23T00:35:00.000-08:00

WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR TODAY?

HEALTH:

• For the health of my kids, husband, and myself (as well as other family members other than my grandmother).

• As a clinical pharmacist in my current field, I encounter a lot of very sick patients. I am always so amazed at how young some of these patients are:

A mom who is 37 in the last stages of breast cancer who is receiving her last doses of narcotics for pain management, before the end of her life.

A 47-year-old man who started off with divericulosis, ended up on parenteral nutrition (food through veins), and then strangely passed away while hospitalized.

A girl the same age as my daughter who is battling cancer, often receiving chemotherapy, or other medications while at home.

Countless others who are the same ages as my parents and in-laws.

• In spite of the agony I feel over the upcoming loss of my grandmother, I can’t imagine how I would feel if it were my husband, son or daughter in that same condition, or if it were me in that same position today.

GRANDMA:

• I’m thankful that she recognizes us and still does delight in seeing us. She smiled at my son the other day and seemed interested to see us. She told my husband to have a seat. She told me that she missed me…

• I’m thankful for antibiotics; they really help her mental status and help her to not be so somnolent, as they are fighting whatever current infections her body might have. (How am I supposed to withhold these medications from her someday…???)

• I’m thankful for the love and support she has given to me over the years, in spite of her peculiar ways of showing that sometimes. She basically raised me, and was like a mom to me. I was very endeared to her in my early childhood.

HUSBAND:

• Who supports me as best as he can.
• Who loves me unconditionally.
• Who tells me things I may not want to hear, but should.
• Who takes care of our kids the best that he can.
• Who is highly intelligent.
• Who loves God deeply.

CHILDREN:

• Who know how to have fun.
• Who are creative.
• Who are brilliant.
• Who are so amazingly handsome and beautiful.
• Who are caring of others.
• Who love God and want to do what is right.

FAMILY:

• A mom who so kindly watches our kids for us when we need her to, if she can. A mom who makes the best meatloaf in the world! Not to mention bul-go-gi (Korean bbq beef). A mom who goes with me to visit my grandma (her mom) so that we can be there for each other so that the visit won’t be so hard for the both of us. A mom who deeply loves her God, her children, and her grandchildren.

• Other family members by blood, marriage, and Christ who are just so dear to my heart. I so enjoy spending time with the special people in my life, whether it be in sharing laughter or tears—each moment makes a special imprint on my heart as a reflection of the love that I feel for these people. (If you are reading this, you are probably one of those people!)

SWEET JESUS:

• Who is also my heavenly father and Holy Spirit all in one—amazing!
• Who has known me even when a speck in the womb.
• Who has always been helping and guiding me.
• Who loves me, came to Earth for me, and died for me.
• Who will always sit with me to listen to me, and to talk to me when I take the time to spend with Him.
• Who will always be with me to comfort me.
• Who is with me to spend every moment of my life with me.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, dear friends and family!

xoxo,
--Nina

The joy of the Lord...

2006-11-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

I realize how my blog has been so full of entries about my grandmother, but this has been a way for me to keep you posted, and to record some things for reference.

My prayer request now is that I really do want the joy of the Lord to be my strength in all of this. The decisions involving my grandma's care and her impending death are a heavy burden to bear. Each of us goes through these hardships to one degree or another. I want to focus better on my relationship with the one who created me, who loves me. I want to remain close to God and loved ones, instead of turning inward and distancing myself from others so that I don't have to feel so much. If I can't feel the pain, then I can't feel so much of the love and the joy that is given me too.

Please pray for me to have the joy of the Lord as my strength, since right now I am not sure how to do that...

Thanks so much,
--Much love--
--Nina

To treat or not to treat

2006-11-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

“To treat or not to treat”—that is the question?
What exactly ARE we treating?

End-of-life questions and thoughts:

• What is her baseline?
• She is lethargic, hard to arouse.
• Look at her quality of life and co-morbidities:
o Recurrent aspirations
o Tube-fed
o Dementia
o Confined to bed
• Staff can’t do much more than what they’ve done.
• How much do we want to continue?
• What is our goal?
• Treat what is treatable?
• Provide more harm by putting needles in her?
• Maybe she’s sleeping so much since she doesn’t want to wake up?
• Next time the nursing home asks if she should be sent to the hospital, the answer should be no…
• The nursing home can always provide hospice care for her.
• She will be discharged back to the nursing home tomorrow.
• Two weeks ago, while at the nursing home, she would tell me that she was so happy to see me, and asked when I would come back. Now, she does not seem too interested when we are there—just sleepy.
• You can’t arrange for her death to be at a time that is convenient for you.
• You will never be ready for her death.
• I hate seeing you go through this.
• I have 16 years in the Geriatrics and General Medicine field; I went through this with my own mother and know what you are going through.
• We should visit her funeral home to see what arrangements have been made.
• It is just a matter of time—another month or two—before something else comes up…
• Thank you for offering your personal and professional opinion on what I should do in this manner.
• I couldn’t get her to smile at me today.
• What if she is mad at me for keeping her alive?
• What if her soul is in such torment—so trapped—in her current state?
• If she really wanted to go, wouldn’t she have just let go by now?
• If God wanted her dead, wouldn’t he have taken her by now?
• What is the purpose in all of this?
• I keep hoping that one day, for just a moment, she will be back to her normal self and be able to tell me something, like what to do about her care, or to tell me a memory from my childhood…that is why I keep holding on…
• I don’t want to feel like I’m killing her if I do not provide treatment for her.
• Why am I the one who has to make all of the decisions?
• She is suffering in some way, whether or not she is conscious about it. By continually treating her, you are prolonging that suffering.
• Maybe she does want to let go, but it’s the IV antibiotics that keeps keeping her alive.
• She does seem more “alert” when she is on the IV antibiotics…
• What if the pleural effusion is a result of cancer?
• No matter how much you plan, you tend to make your final decision on how you feel at the moment. The next time you have to make that decision, it will be hard to go with anything but how you feel.
• It’s not making it any easier on anyone to put off the inevitable.
• Do whatever you want. It’s your decision.

Grandmother in hospital; I'm in Georgia!

2006-11-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

Hello. Just wanted to let you know that I got a call from my grandma's nursing home this morning, and she should have been sent to St. Rose Hospital by now. I believe that she needs to try the IV antibiotics to see if it helps her. Her breathing and oxygenation has worsened, and her heart rate was up. There's something going on with her lungs.

I cannot be there with her, as Tim and I are currently in Columbus, Georgia. So, please pray for us all. Please let her not be lonely, and to remember our love for her, and God's love for her.

God is in control.

Thank you,
--Nina

L-I-F-E U-P-D-A-T-E-S

2006-10-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

Hello! It has been a while since my last blog, so I thought I would update you on a few things…

My grandmother:
…in the last month has been in the nursing home. At first she was more “alert” than she had been in months, but then became quite sleepy about any time of day. She had a chest x-ray the other day which showed “bilateral infiltrates” so basically pneumonia or something worsening in her lungs again. She was started on antibiotics. When I visited her yesterday, she was up to 5 liters of oxygen which is the max before having to put a mask on her face. She was concerned about when I would come see her again since I am out of town for the weekend. Please pray for her soul to seek God and to find comfort in Him.

Work:
…is good for now. We have hired another pharmacist who will start the middle of next month, so I will be able to cut my hours to 4 days/week.

Family:
…the kids have been busy, back in school. John and Natalie are taking theatre classes at a local church. Natalie will perform in the musical, “101 Dalmations” next month; she will be a Scottish terrior. John is in a couple of G.A.T.E. classes; he is taking a guitar class and a comic-book writing class. He also started playing saxophone in school band this year.

…we are in Sacramento this weekend. We stayed at my sister’s (Suzy’s) house. It is fun hearing the twins play. They are a lot of fun and so cute! Please pray for Brian to find a job in Sacramento as that is where they prefer to live. Hopefully they will see an answer from God soon! We really enjoy spending time with Brian and Suzy and hope they stay in California!

…my in-laws are in town, in Sacramento, so we are spending time with them this weekend, as well as with my brother-in-law and his wife from Portland. As well as other long-time close family friends. It was fun being around these good people yesterday and we are looking forward to spending time with them this afternoon, too.

Outings:
…we had our church’s ladies’ retreat last weekend. It was great that my mom came with me too! It was her first time! It was a great weekend. Some great testimonies from some wonderful women. Time to reflect. Time to relax and enjoy God and nature. Those weekends are always too short! (Well, all weekends are always too short, in my opinion!!!)

…Tim and I will be traveling to Georgia soon. We will be checking out some investment opportunities. We really want our money to work for us instead of working so hard for money, so that we can have more time with family. Please pray that we will see God leading us every step of the way. We want to build something for our children’s future, and not just something monetary.

Conclusion of the month:
…the more I release control to God for all of the big and little things in my life, the more free I will feel, and the more happy and joyful I will be.

--May you see all of God's blessings in your life today!--Much love to You!--Nina

Transfer

2006-09-25T22:27:00.001-07:00

Just an update about my grandma--heard from the hospital this afternoon that they will be transferring her back to the nursing home tomorrow! So soon! After the horrendous week we all have had! And she has no clue what she had just gone through!!! Yes, ignorance is bliss...

So, this rollercoaster ride is on a low and slow part of the path at the moment...

(But I still LOVE the emails, calls, and prayers!) :) xoxo

Much love and thanks,
Nina

Quick quotes

2006-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

My mom and I spent some time with my grandma today. She was the most "talkative" that I have seen her in a long time. She initiated comments and answered questions. She stayed awake and attentive, for her. I have not seen her like this in weeks or even months. I was truly amazed.

Some quotes from my visit with my grandma today...

One of the first things she said to us was, "I am going to leave soon." We tried to ask her where she was going but she wouldn't answer. Perhaps she was going "home" to a physical place, or to heaven. We don't know. We tried asking her again, and she didn't know. How much do I analyze or assume here?

I told her how she almost died on me the other day, and that her body hadn't been working well. I talked about God. I wanted to know what she was feeling. I asked her if she was mad at God because of her body not working right, that it's normal, and she could tell God if she was angry with him. "Are you mad at God?" She told me, "Stupid question." She seemed irritated. I guess her answer is no.

"Do you know that God loves you?" She would not answer that for me the last two days. Her answer today was, "Of course."

Then, a big mystery to me and my mom is her saying, "Make wet." "Make wet all over." I have no idea. I wonder if she feels extra water in her body, in her lungs? I don't get it. I couldn't get her to clarify...

Last is her making a comment about "bedtime" since she seemed so much more tired before we left, probably exhausting herself during our visit since that was the most awake and talkative I've seen her in months. She fell asleep soon afterwards. Her blood pressure and heart rate were up a bit. I hope it resolves. She seemed a little less relaxed than when I first saw her. Maybe she was annoyed by all of the "stupid" questions! ;)

Heavenly hillside

2006-09-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning, 9/21/06, excerpts from my journal from my morning meditation...

I tried to spend some quiet time with God and Jesus. I tried to "be still." I went to my "safe place" with Jesus--on a grassy hill. I layed my head on His lap as He stroked my hair. My grandmother came on the hill with her big smile. I don't remember seeing her look so youthful and so healthy. She kept the smile on her face and did a few twirls, like a dance. I have never seen her feel so free and happy. She was truly joyful. She was so free. She came to me and hugged and held me. I was like a little girl. A white angel with big wings came to the hillside. I never saw his face. He was carrying her away, his back to me. As she looked at me over his shoulder, she still smiled and was happy, as she waved bye to me and blew kisses at me, like she would always do from the window at her Oakland house whenever I would leave. I blew kisses back and waved, just like I used to do. I was left with Jesus on the hillside. He picked up my frail body and kept my body straight and lifted up (body and head) as He held me. --I am too weak and cannot hold myself up, and need Jesus to keep me standing and to keep me lifted up.

Psalm 54:4--"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me."

Sequence of events...

2006-09-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your prayers...here is a sequence of recent events about my grandmother...
(So detailed, I know...could be worse...but it helps me process and record events too...)

Monday AM, 9/18/06: Got a call that she had a fever and was started on antibiotics at the nursing home.

Tuesday evening, 9/19/06: Visited her at the nursing home; she looked terrible, was on the maximum amount of oxygen, and was moaning/yawning, perhaps having "air hunger." Took her to ER. There, she had episodes of apnea (stopped breathing). Once, I tapped her chest and shook her, and loudly told her to breathe, and she did... (O2 sats dropped to 26, for you medical folks!!!) I was too freaked out at the thought of her dying right in front of me, then... She was diagnosed with having a large pleural effusion (fluid in the lining of the lungs, making it harder to breathe). She had a lot of edema, and could not respond to anyone. She was also septic (infection in blood).

Wednesday, 9/20/06: I decided for her to not have a thoracentesis to drain the fluid from her lungs, especially if she was likely headed for "comfort care". Her periods of apnea had stopped once she was started on the bipap machine. After not getting home until about 2am earlier, and the emotional exhaustion, needless to say I was exhausted the rest of the day! --I was thrilled to have my sister and brother-in-law, Suzy and Brian, and my dear friend Erin, who is a hospice nurse, join me at the hospital. I felt so much better being around other people to talk to. (Thanks!!!) On this day, my son also had a breakdown regarding his great-grandma whom he had been close to. He shared many memories, his anger, and other emotions. We reminded him how good it is to talk about these things, etc. So, please keep John in your prayers, too... --In the early evening, my grandma surprised us by answering some of questions indicating she was uncomfortable and in pain, so we gave her a shot of morphine.

Thursday, 9/21/06: Such a hard day for me. Everyone had been suggesting that I needed to put my grandma on comfort care. (I am her Durable Power of Attorney so get that "privilege.") At the hospital she's at, that means no tube feedings, no hydration, no antibiotics, no medications except for pain, including starting a morphine (or other) continuous drip. It seemed too drastic and deliberate for me. I thought in my head that it was probably what I needed to do, but couldn't do it yet. I kept putting it off. I kept hoping for a "sign." I needed to see her deteriorate more in order to make that decision with a clear conscience. I just wasn't convinced yet to decide to do it. --When I visited my grandma in the morning, she gave me a smile as soon as she saw me, so she was a little more responsive.-- Not only did I have the dilemma as to when I would put her on comfort care, but also where. I was getting a bit turned off at how extreme the hospital's (and physician's) way of doing comfort care was. I had a lot of discussions with many different people that day. Thankfully, I started off the morning with God and received a very lovely image from him--in another blog...

Friday, 9/22/06: In the morning, my grandma seemed comfy although she was warm to me, and did have a fever. I was surprised to see that she was no longer on the bipap, but a mask for oxygen. She seemed so tired. I just want her to die peacefully. Still don't know when I'm "supposed to" put her on comfort care. --Took a break and met a couple of friends, as was planned before my grandmother's hospitalization. It was a good to see my friend Diana whom I hadn't seen in months!-- I was also frustrated by the lack of support from work regarding my grandmother, although they are aware that I need to make decisions for her as she is at the end of her life. Like I needed something else to cause more emotional exhaustion.

When I returned in the afternoon, my grandma had been changed to a different room, which was much nicer; she is the only patient in that room. As soon as I walked in, she said, "I don't feel too good" so we gave her a shot of morphine. I asked her if she felt better and she said, "Not yet." She seemed offended when I asked her to tell me who I was, and didn't answer. Later, when I asked how she was, she said, "I'm okay, honey." She was responding a lot more! --The nurse and respiratory therapist (RT) came in. Instead of 10 liters of oxygen, my grandmother was at 5 liters! I had no idea!!! Wow! Then, the RT took the mask off her, and put on the nasal cannula (tubes in nose, not a mask) and lowered the oxygen to 3 liters! I thought that her respiratory status would worsen and worsen and I would be forced to put her on comfort care! I couldn't believe it! Thank, God! That sure relieved some pressure for now! God DOES know how much we can handle!

Pneumonia

2006-09-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

Hello. Please say a quick prayer for my grandmother. I just found out that she has pneumonia. She spiked a temperature greater than 102 a couple of hours ago. They will be starting her on an antibiotic tablet.

Each time she gets "sick," I don't know if she will pull through or not. She has always been such a fighter. But, there have been past talks with her doctors that pneumonia could be one of the things that she may die from and that sometimes "pneumonia is an older person's best friend." So, I don't even know what to pray for her. I don't want her to die and I hate seeing her "live" like this.

Please pray that she always remembers how much we love her and how much God loves her--I say this to her at every visit. Please pray that she is comfortable.

I don't know if this prayer request is urgent or not, but thank you for your prayers anyway.

Thanks and love,
--Nina

Happy 15th Anniversary to Us!

2006-08-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

August 17th is our 15th wedding anniversary! Wow!

While in college, I made a list of qualities I wanted in a husband. If I manage to dig through boxes in closets and find that list, I might post it later. Anyway, I thank God for sending Tim my way! He certainly matched everything on my list! Yes, in hindsight, I would add some more things to the list, but I am so thankful that the core of Tim's being and personality is exactly what I needed for me.

Tim is a wonderful husband and father, and I am so thankful to have him be such a support and strength in my life.

"My love for you is endless..."

xoxo,
Nina

(This is NOT the best picture of the two of us at our wedding...this is a snapshot from a relative...but it was a lot easier to scan for posting on the web...)

Happy 10th Birthday, my dear John!

2006-08-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Another stroll down memory lane, over past birthdays! (Birth, 100-day old party, and birthdays #1-#10...) John cannot be 10 already!!! John is in double-digits now, as he says. At least he is not a teenager yet! :)
You are marvelous and wonderful, and I love you a lot, John! xoxo

God is the master gardener.

2006-08-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

It is so amazing to see the similarities between how we tend our gardens and how God is the master gardener.

Earlier this spring, I started growing vegetables and flowers from seeds. It has been fun to see “something” come from virtually “nothing.” I love “creating”—what fun!

What care I took with the seeds—growing the seeds indoors for extra care, keeping them away from the harsh environment and dangers of the outside world, carefully watering and watching to see if anything had grown. Once the plants sprouted, it was amazing to see how fast they could grow!

I continued to nurture the seedlings by placing them outdoors only during the daytime to get used to the environment.

Finally, I took the seedlings and transplanted them outdoors to their new “home.” I added mulch to help insulate the plants and to beautify its surroundings. My husband and I added irrigation to make sure the plants were watered. Of course, before even planting anything, I had figured out what part of the yard each plant would go in, according to the sun, shade, and soil requirements for optimal growth.

I have not fertilized, however. I figured that if the plant were strong enough, it would survive. And many have done very well. And some have not.

At times I would get a bit too busy or be away from home and could not tend to my garden as I would have liked. The plants suffered some, but I would do what I could to help bring them back before it got too late.

We are so like plants. As tender souls, we need and welcome the care and nurturing that we receive from God our father, the master gardener. He loves to plant seeds and to see how we grow. He loves to see how “something” comes from the “nothing” that was once in us. In the place of hatred, love grows. In the place of pride, humility grows. In the place of selfishness, selflessness grows. In the place of anxiety, peace grows. In the place of impatience, patience grows. In the place of sorrow, joy grows. In the place of meanness, kindness grows. In the place of evil, goodness grows. In the place of harshness, gentleness grows. In the place of faithlessness and hopelessness, faithfulness grows. In the place of temptation, self-control grows.

God is in control of our environment, and oftentimes he may choose to leave us in the particular environment we are in. He may have initially chosen to plant us where we are at according to our sun, shade, and soil needs. He may choose not to fertilize since he knows our strengths and weaknesses, and his help becomes more evident to us when we feel like we are dying.

There was one day in which I was dealing with extreme depression because of some sad situations in my life. I even stayed home from church, which is not something I do. I finally went to the backyard to check out my plants. What a joy it was to see how the plants had grown. Plants bearing beautiful flowers and plants bearing fruit. The love and time I put into the plants paid off. I wasn’t about to let them die by inattention, but I was also glad to see how they had matured and become strong and did not need as much nurturing as when they were younger. I was satisfied in my work—in how God helped me to “create” a little bit. I thought about how satisfied God must have felt after creating ALL that HE created. I also thought about how he cares for each of us, as I did each tender seedling. I thought about how pleased he must be to see us mature and bear fruit. I thought about how he is ever-present, aware of our situations, and constantly able to help us whether we think we need it or not. I thought about the little bit of love and pride I had from starting my very first garden. How much more love and pride must God have for us? We are His wonderful creation, far more important than a mere plant!

Happy Birthday, my sweet Natalie!

2006-07-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Today is our wonderful Natalie's 7th birthday! I just wanted to take a stroll down memory lane of past birthdays...from her birth, her 100-day-old party, to 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th birthdays (2 pictures for each)...She has been a treasure and blessing each step of the way...I love you, my Natalie! xoxo

No more surgeries...

2006-06-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those who are praying for my grandmother. She is currently in the hospital recovering from her surgery last week.

I was informed today that my grandmother has a pulmonary embolism (PE)--blood clot in the lungs for you non-medical folks. We do not know how many clots she has. This was found on accident since part of her lung was visible on a CAT scan that she had of her abdomen. It was large enough to be viewed on the scan.

Because of various health conditions, we cannot treat the clot(s). PE can lead to serious and unpleasant complications. Of course, it can lead to death.

Also, if she were to develop wound conditions which would require surgery again, they would not operate because of the PE. So, at that point, she would probably need to be put on "comfort care" if the antibiotics used did not clear the wound infection.

My prayer still is for her to be comfortable, to remember how much we love her, and to remember how much God loves her.

I am curious how many clots she has, but her physician thinks it is best to not expose her to unnecessary radiation, especially since no matter the number, we cannot treat it anyway, unfortunately.

I asked my grandmother today at the hospital if she knew where she was. She said, "Your house." I felt no need to correct her and expose her to the truth. I would much rather have her think she was at my house, with family, than in a hospital room.

Her eyes tend to water a bit. As I was wiping her tears, I asked her if her eyes were watery or if she was crying and she said that she didn't know...

Please also pray that when it is her time to leave this earth, that it will be peaceful, and that she will be comfortable, not in pain nor gasping for breath, etc.

For those who have gone through the death of a loved one--especially when death is "prolonged" like when you know the only road leads to death but you don't know when you will get there--I would appreciate any advice or wisdom you might have from your own experience. Should I tell her she is "near the end" since I am not sure if she even knows? But, even if I did, she would probably not remember...

Thanks,
--Nina

Cascade/CCC 50th Reunion Banquet--6/24/06

2006-06-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

This picture all started with me wanting to take a picture with some of my friends, then we called more friends over, and so on, and so on, until it was this big wonderful mob of friends who was at CCC in the early, mid, and late 80s! How fun!

Gary Rice, Michelle Corey, Me, Terri & Todd Clement

CCC Class of 1989 Biology majors! Kent Hamilton, Me, and Kirk Davis

Linda and Dan Coburn, my "adopted parents" in college, and fellow CCC alumni

Tracey Edson cracking up LeeAnn (Mills) and trying to get affirmation from Karl Graul

June Breninger receiving a much-deserved award. Go, June! We love you!!!

Renee (Hartley) Gunselman and Damian Thompson

Randy & Delilah (Carlson) Reed with Kevin & Janet (Meaders) Burbridge

Dan Dalzell--Nina's fellow alumnus, and Tim's Worship Forum friend! Hope to see you at the next ZOE Conference, Dan!

Kathy & Karl Graul and Me. Next time, we'll get you with your eyes fully-opened, Karl!

Jeff Brady looking around for single women! ;)

Kami Ellenz--great job working on your tan on the JetBoat today!

Penny (Pruitt) and Me

Me and Michelle Corey

Me and Melanie (Ball) Harrod--we went to CCC at different times, but are originally from the same church!

Mike Armour, former CCC president, and Keith Farris--one who never seems to age!

Lynn and Will Fox

Two of my favorite people--Don and MaryLou Boderman!!!

Another one of my favorite persons--my husband, Tim Castle, Pepperdine Class of 1987.

Flying Pie!---Cascade/Columbia Reunion--6/23/06

2006-06-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

-------The 1980-something crowd at Flying Pie Pizzeria, 6/23/06-----

Terri (Jordan) Clement and Kami Ellenz

Ruth (Trudeaux) and her sons

Damian Thompson and family

Phill Hurley and Mike McCormic in deep conversation

Donnie and Noelle (Kuest) Alcatraz with Terri

David Pimentel with one of his daughters

Janet (Meaders) and hubby Kevin Burbridge

LeeAnn (Mills) and Kim (Harness) Hamilton

My daughter, Natalie, with Ethan Brady and his dad, Jeff

LeeAnn, Kami, Nina, and Linda (Walsh) Brown

Joe and Pam (Byrd) Burris, my hubby Tim, and Beth (Crawford)

Surgery #2

2006-06-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hello. I just wanted to update you that my grandmother is having surgery sometime today, Monday, 6/19/06. The surgery is for wound repair—she has had a bedsore and some exposed bone. (She had this surgery also in February 2006.) She went into the hospital a couple of days before I left for vacation. She originally was to have the surgery on 6/26/06, the day I return. Her surgeon called me on Saturday to reschedule. We all think she will be okay. I hope she will be. I wish that I could be there to explain things to her, and to comfort her, but I also don’t know how much she would understand or for how long she would retain what I had said.

I want her to always remember how much we love her, and for her to know and feel how much God loves her. I want her to never forget that.

It is really hard knowing that she will basically never heal here on this earth. I want her to be comfortable and in no distress in the meantime. I wish that her memories and ability to remember would be improved. But, as I wrote in my blog about dementia being a blessing, maybe it is better that she doesn’t remember so much!?!

Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes. I and the family appreciate your support and love.

I have learned from this, and other issues in my life, that it really does no good to worry! (That does not mean that I am immune to it, unfortunately!) Each day really does have enough trouble of it’s own, so why do I need to worry about all of the other days? It won’t change a thing. Maybe my worry is based on frustration with not having control over a situation and that the outcome may be one that I do not like. Well, fretting about not having the control will not give me control! I am writing these things down so that I can re-read them on a day that I may need to be reminded of these concepts. We forget too easily! Our pre-geriatric dementia is forgetting these great concepts that could help us out through life. Sorry, but this pharmacist is letting you know that there is not a medical cure for that. Drink a tea of forget-me-nots and call me in the morning? No, don’t think that will work…

Turn it over to God and let Him have control and deal with it? Yes, that works, but the problem is that we take the burden back from Him. Either forcibly, unknowingly, all at once, or in pieces. Do we go through some sort of subconscious or conscious control-withdrawal? It is just so interesting how we humans operate… Sorry, but no drug-cure for that either! ☺

PS, Monday at 2pm: Just heard from the surgeon who said that the surgery went very well...

Forests, and Ocean, and Trees, Oh My!

2006-06-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

We are on vacation! We are spending several days at the Oregon coast relaxing, then will spend a few days in Portland for a reunion that the college that I attended is having. It will be great to spend time with old and new friends, and with our family and relatives in Portland.

We left Saturday afternoon (6/17/06) for the start of our trip up the California and Oregon coastline. We thought that we would take Highway 101, instead of the usual I-5, because neither Tim nor I have done this trip before and thought that now was as good a time as any.

We got off to a late start but made it through CA the first day. We exited at the “Drive-Thru Tree” exit, and drove through the “Chandelier Tree,” a $5 tourist trap with a gift shop. It was worth it. It wasn’t too crowded, and the gift shop had neat nature gifts, and many items made from wood. We also drove through the “Avenue of the Giants” which is a road which follows 101, but contains landmarks and descriptions of some interesting facts about the tall, huge, and very old redwood trees which dominate a lot of northern, coastal, California.

The scenery was nice. Although the day started late and we didn’t stop at a hotel until after 10pm, it didn’t seem so bad. Maybe it was all of the beautiful scenery—the forests, ocean, and interesting trees--so many things to point out and talk about. I must say that we don’t do that so much on our trips along I-5 to San Diego or even up to Portland.

Ukiah seemed a bit familiar to me—I am thinking that maybe I went there on Choir Tour in high school, or maybe even Band Tour in college. Maybe a youth rally at some point? Not sure.

We stopped for dinner in Eureka, and I am sure that I have not been there nor to Arcata. Humboldt County was quite unfamiliar to me. It is so amazing, though, to see all of the untouched trees and hillside. Quite a difference from the San Francisco Bay Area where every inch is owned by someone probably planning to develop it in some fashion, for either housing or a strip mall!

We stayed the night in Gold Beach, Oregon, sleeping to the sound of ocean waves rocking back and forth, and awakening to a nice view of the ocean. When I was in college, I used to go to Gold Beach once a year with our Concert Band. It was fun, and I loved walking around and climbing the cliffs at the beach. I was glad that my husband and kids got a chance to visit this same place and explore the beach with me this time.

Sunday’s travels seemed quite long. The scenery along 101 was great—all of the ocean views, various forests, tons of trees, quaint little towns, etc. What I don’t like about 101 is the reason that the trip takes so much longer—it is not a straight stretch, some of the roads are windy, you are often going through towns and thus stoplights and reduced speed limits,
and there is often only one lane going your direction, so if you are behind a slow-poke, you are at the mercy of a passing lane or turn-out up ahead.

We stopped for dinner in Tillamook, OR, at the Tillamook Cheese Factory. We did a detailed tour a couple of years ago, but it was a good place to stop for dinner and a little bit of ice cream—Tillamook ice cream, of course! They also had samples of cheese to taste. What I think is so interesting is how “squeaky” cheese curds feel in your mouth as you are chewing! Very interesting, and tastes good, too! We should have bought some!

An interesting thing about driving along 101 in Oregon is all of the tsunami warning signs! There were numerous signs that would say something like “Entering Tsunami hazard zone” and then after a while, usually while going uphill, there will be a sign that says, “Exiting Tsunami hazard zone.”

Now, we are finally in Seaside, our destination for three nights. I think we might be in a tsunami area. Well, I think the dark clouds I saw last evening are going away, and we are not supposed to have rain. Plus, I don’t think it is even tsunami season,…….so, I think we are safe! That could put a DAMPer on our vacation. (Ha ha—ok, that was bad!)

We are in two hotel rooms—one for us and one for the kids! More fun for all, that way. What is cool is that BOTH rooms have Jacuzzi tubs! Natalie was practicing some swimming moves and breath-holding during her bath last night.

We are looking forward to a fun day on Monday. We will be joining my friend Jeff Brady, and his son Ethan. They happen to be in Seaside, too. Monday evening, the kids’ cousin Rachel will join us and stay here for a couple of nights with us.

I only wish it were warmer so that I could work on my tan, but other than that, what do I have to complain about? The scenery outside our patio is wonderful, and we can walk to the beach quickly from our patio. It is not that crowded here. It is very quiet. Besides, who needs to increase his or her risk of getting skin cancer, anyway?

The blessing of...dementia???

2006-06-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

My grandmother has been an invalid since her hospitalization (post-surgery) in 10/2004. Since then, she has been in and out of hospitals and a resident of a nursing home.

During her prime, she was a woman of great strength. She endured extreme hardship and disappointment during the Korean War. She fought to make a living and to own a business in order to take care of her daughter and other relatives. She did what she had to in order to survive, and succeed, and did many things that others would not have the courage to do. She became very independent and self-reliant. She has always been such a survivor. She had also been quite stoic--not one to show much emotion or to talk about feelings.

Now, she has tubes going to and from just about every body part that can excrete or intake things. She is stuck in a bed and becomes plagued with bedsores and bone infections as a result. Different body parts have declined in function. There is not much that she can do by herself. It is a pretty sad and bleak situation, not one with much quality of life, and oftentimes quite depressing to me to think of her reality.

Her memory comes and goes. She, almost always, knows who we are. She doesn't necessarily remember anything from her past--where she lived, what she did, etc. I try to remind her when I visit, so that she would know the good things about her life and of who she is. She also doesn't remember that I've visited her even 30 minutes after I have left. (Thirty minutes has been proven, but we also think that it is probably much, much less than that.)

All that about dementia is quite sad. But, have you ever thought of how dementia could be a blessing for your loved one? I think that if my grandmother really knew all that was going on with her body, then she surely would not want to go on, or she would be so extremely depressed. I don't think she has a clue of how bad her body is.

So, I will consider it a blessing when I ask my grandmother questions and get answers that show dementia, such as the following questions that she has been previously asked:

--"Grandma, are you hungry?"--"No, I just had lunch a little while ago." (You get your food through a tube that goes to your stomach and you can't even drink water, for the last 5 months!)

--"Grandma, do your legs hurt?" --"Yes, but that's okay since I'm not walking too much right now." (You are not walking AT ALL nor have been for a year and a half!)

--"I want you to come to my new house?" (asked by great-granddaughter Michaela) --"I will," said so confidently and with determination. (Grandma, don't you know how bad you are and that you won't be able to travel that far? Do you know that you are in the hospital right now, and that your heart is in bad shape?)

So, I guess "dementia" is a type of "ignorance" so I will say--"Dementia is bliss!"

Who'd have thought that dementia could be a blessing???

A cure for "busy-ness"?...

2006-06-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

...WHY do people blog?
...WHY would I want to start a blog?

I am sure there are a variety of reasons that a person would want to start a blog and have anyone--even strangers--be able to access their innermost, most-personal thoughts... For me, it is a chance to step away from a situation, analyze it, and learn from it. Those who know me well, know how much I love to analyze! Maybe "love" is not the right word, for analyzing comes so naturally to me! Blogging is a way to journal and I hope will help me to stop to think about things that I need to think about. If anyone ever happens to read my blog, and somehow will benefit from anything that I might say, then that will be a wonderful benefit and blessing of this blog!

I am hoping that this blog will help me to reflect on things in my life, and help me to process things in my life. Life has so many ups and downs. So many joys and sorrows. It is always interesting to me to see how people work and handle the various situations in life. We are often too busy to slow down and think about "life" so perhaps writing about things can help a person to "slow down."

Of course, if one is always so busy blogging, he or she will never have time to "slow down" to observe the reality of life around them either!...