Lament over my mom's pancreatic cancer

What a nightmare. A horrible, horrible, nightmare. What’s worse is that it is not a nightmare from which you can awake and go about your normal day, your normal life. What’s worse is how much more of a nightmare all of this must be for my mom.

At times I am in such disbelief. At times I am so numb, but go through the motions of my now not-normal day. At times I can only cry. At times I try to be hopeful and positive—after all, I do NOT believe in what the statistics say; I believe that anything is possible with God. And, although I do believe that, I often am too discouraged to feel it…

At times I feel physically sick. I feel the ailments that my mom feels. I feel her discouragement. I feel her despair. I feel her fear. I feel her sadness. I feel her weakness. I feel her pain. I feel her nausea.

Oh God, will you not rescue us? Please? Only you can heal my mom. It is nothing for you to remove a little cancer from her body. Yet, every step of this ordeal has seemed to have been met by one obstacle or another. Although today marks 5 weeks since her pancreatic cancer diagnosis, I feel as if we have only stepped backwards and not forwards. Set-back after set-back. How to stay positive? How to encourage? I am so worn out. I go to the hospital during my lunch break when I can, then again after work. Sometimes I stay a couple hours and sometimes four. My own family sees less of me. I sometimes don’t know who I am because of the busy-ness in trying to take care of my mom. I am so weary. So stressed. So exhausted. But, I want to be there for my mom. I want her to have the best care possible, the best answers possible. I am her advocate, there to help make sure her voice is heard.

My mom once said that she wishes she could wake up to find that everything is different—that this all has never happened. How I wish that could be true.

In my busy-ness, I know I’m not “going deeper” with God like I should. I would like to, but by the end of the day, all I can do is hit the bed without much thought to anything else—usually after an Ativan and a Benadryl. Certainly, I am in constant communication with God throughout the day, but I need to take more time to really BE STILL in all of this busy-ness.

Dinner? I cried the other day because the kids asked if we could get pizza. Tim was working late. After work, I picked the kids up from school, dropped them off at home, went to the hospital, then came back home, exhausted. The thought of having to make a decision about dinner or having to leave the house brought ultimate stress. I had to lay in bed to cry and relax. I did not have it in me to plan dinner. I had been too busy trying to make REAL decisions about my mom or work the rest of the day, and was now too fatigued to have to do with something as simple as dinner. Thankfully, some friends have helped with bringing dinner over, and I am so extremely grateful. I can’t describe what a stress relief this has been! Also, my in-laws have been so helpful. They will pick up the kids from school for me on some days, sit with my mom at the hospital, make sure the kids do their chores, and help plan dinner. Their presence definitely helps to lower the household stress level.

I have to let go. Let go. My mom’s life is in God’s hands and not mine. I can do whatever I can, work as hard as I can, talk to whoever I can, research whatever I can—but all that is not going to save my mom’s life. If it is her time to go at the young age of 63, then that is for God to decide. I need to release her into His hands, saying that it is not my will, but God’s will, to be done. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but until I truly surrender this to God, I will not feel peace. Note that I am not saying that I am giving up on fighting for her life since we don’t believe that time has come.

I’ve experienced this all before with my grandmother. I was the family member who she was closest to. I made the major decisions for her care and for her life. She was like my mom and raised me. (My mom is like an older sister and mom.) I ached and agonized over her deterioration. There was nothing I could do. She was sick and bedridden for about four years, eventually stuck in nursing homes, not able to eat or walk. It was so sad to visit her and to see her like that. She was so extremely independent and strong—how wrong to see her like this now! Every couple months, at first, she was in and out of the hospital—to the ER for sepsis or something bad. Yes, that was all so very stressful, especially for me. But, with my mom, it is different. The stress is so strong on a daily basis. There have been so many roadblocks, it seems. There are way too many unknowns. There is no path or potential path carved out. There is no way to know which way we will be going. She is in her 60s, not her 80s like my grandma. How to even make sense of this? How to understand when understanding is impossible?

Please have mercy on my sweet mom, dear God!

I love my mom. She is a nice, quiet person to be around. She’s very practical. She’s beautiful. She loves God, her three daughters, and her grandchildren. She loves friends and family. God gave her a special gift for being with young children. In some ways, I feel like I don’t know my mom as well as I would like. I don’t want that taken away from me now!!!

Eight days before my mom’s cancer diagnosis, my dad passed away. Eight days. As I write this, I am still in disbelief that he is no longer here. Really? Wow… I guess I do believe it is true… It is so sad. How can it be? He was supposed to spend some time getting to know his grandkids better—at least, that was my hope. How much did he love us? What stories have I missed about his life? Am I to lose both parents in the same year, both at the tender age of 63?

This all makes no sense to me…

Ouch. Why is this happening to me and my sisters? Why does my mom have to suffer as she is right now? Trying to hang on to being able to tolerate tube feedings since she can’t eat a single thing? She needs to build her nutrition in order to gain strength in order to start chemo in hopes that chemo will shrink the tumor in order to have yet another surgery to try to remove the tumor.

I don’t understand, God. I want to understand. I know this is all part of your plan, but I just don’t get it. How do I be joyful in all of this? Help…

I am such a strong thinker. I love using my mind, but my little mind can never comprehend all the ways of God. I cannot control where He decides to step in or why. I am looking at moments in time, when He sees the bigger picture of things. Unfortunately, there is pain and suffering in this world. And, it really sucks.

I need to focus on “my psalm” during this time—I’ve already composed a melody for it. From Psalm 9:1-2----

“I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you.

I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.”

My Birthday Hug

My birthday is on May 6. While my dear sweet grandma was alive, we would celebrate her birthday, my birthday, and my sister Suzy’s birthday at family get-togethers. Suzy’s birthday is May 9. My grandma’s birthday that we celebrated was May 5, although it was not her actual birthday. It was the legal birthday given to her when she came to the US from Korea.

My grandma spent a lot of time raising me and my sisters. She and I were very close, and she was basically my “mom” growing up; her daughter--my mom--worked the evening shift at work and was a single mom then, so it was easier for my grandma to help take care of us.

My grandma left this earth on March 3, 2008. I was there for her final breath and watched her melodically slip from one world to the next. It was very peaceful and she was not suffering in any way—I am so thankful that my prayers for that were answered.

My first birthday without her was in 2008. I celebrated my birthday with my sister Suzy and with other family members. It was sad to not have my grandma there. Actually, she hadn’t been able to join us at our birthday gatherings from 2005 on as she was either in the hospital or nursing home.

This year, I thought about her a lot around May 5. I was sad that she was not here.

The morning of my birthday, May 6 2009, I had a dream with her in it. Let me back up to say that while she was still alive, and even after she died, I would have the same recurrent dream of her, but sometimes in different settings. The theme would always be my amazement at her great health and I would ask her if she remembered how sick she had been—how she couldn’t get out of bed, etc., but look at her now—how she could walk and was healthy and looked great! It is so strange how often I would have that dream.

My birthday dream was different. In this dream, near the front door and porch of her old house, she greeted me with a long hug. She hugged me long and tight. She looked beautiful. She was young, youthful, beautiful, thin (not that she was ever overweight), taller, elegant, strong, had darker stylish hair… One strange part was that there was an umbrella hanging outside near the front porch over the steps, and I wanted to get it for her since I didn’t want her to fall down the stairs, but she insisted on getting it herself. (Probably symbolizes how she always gave of herself to take care of others, even though I was insisting on taking care of her in this case…)

I awoke. My kids and husband greeted me with birthday wishes. My husband gave me a hug… It was at that point that I realized that the purpose of the “dream” was for me to receive a hug from my grandma. As I mentioned, all of the other dreams had that same recurrent theme, but the theme for my birthday dream was THE HUG.

Thank you, God, for letting me have one more hug from my grandma. What a great birthday present!

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I have been so bad at posting on my blog since Facebook...

I should have posted this sooner, since I may have forgotten some details of my dream since that was over a month ago...
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Welcome, Julia and Joshua!

Happy Birthday--July 15, 2008!Julia on the left and Joshua on the right.
Julia is very petite but looks larger in this picture
because of the angle and close distance from the camera.

Julia was born first; Joshua followed 2 minutes later. However, Julia would not breathe until after Joshua came out and started crying, then she took a breath and started crying with him! The hospital staff said that was the first time they had seen something like that happen!

Joshua David Snow
7 lbs, 12 oz
20 & 3/4 inches
7/15/08, 9:37 pm

(Don't you just want to kiss those cheeks???)

Julia Hope Snow
6 lbs
18 inches
7/15/08, 9:35pm

(Both of Julia's parents have said that she looks just like her Aunt Nina as a baby.
Of course, Julia's auntie does not mind at all! And, she agrees! How fun!)

Sarah, on the far right, getting ready to meet her new baby sister and brother!
(Natalie in the middle, and a new friend on the left.)

Hannah waiting to meet her new baby brother and sister!

Aunt Nina gets to hold Joshua!

Grandma Sonia gets to hold Julia!

Cousin Natalie gets to hold Julia!

Nina and Natalie with the proud daddy, Brian!

Friday, July 18, 2008:
Mommy (Suzy) and babies are fine and will be going home today. Suzy is recovering from the C-section. Joshua is nursing fine, and we are hoping that Julia will start nursing 100%. Thanks for your prayers! More pictures to follow as we spend more time with them today!
http://sites.bundleofjoys.com/snowtwins

Our kids are growing!

It is now "official"--our kids are growing!

April 25th, is a day to remember. Not only is it my husband's grandma's birthday, and my mom's anniversary, but now, it marks another memory for our family.

On that day, I had to switch Natalie's clothes in her closet from little-kids' hangers, to grown-up size hangers. Sigh... She is growing! And, into a beautiful, lovely, sweet, and smart young lady, at that! :)

The shocker was when our son came to give me a hug that night. Then he stood up straight. Hmmm...It couldn't be. I called for my husband. He got out a level and put it over our heads as we stood back to back...our son is now taller than me! Of course, that's not saying a whole lot, but still... I knew the day would come, but didn't think it would happen for another 6 months or so. It seemed to happen within a week! He doesn't mind, of course!

And, I know that someday Natalie will pass me in height too.

It is bittersweet to see them grow. I am happy and honored at the people they are becoming and are. I love seeing them at each stage, miss the stages that have past, and look forward to the stages that will soon come.

I love you, my friends!
--Me

A Glimpse of Eternity?

Yesterday as we were driving to San Diego, stuck in LA traffic, I listened to the Zoe Group’s recording of the album “Our God Reigns.” I was very tired, but not sleeping. I saw nice heavenly images during the songs—these images came so easily to me although I was not as relaxed as I could have been and I was easily distracted by the many sudden stops in traffic and various words from the kids in the back. I was not drifting in and out of sleep—I was just focusing on the words in the songs. Normally for me to see images such as these, I would have to be in a very quiet place with no interruptions and would have to focus on relaxing and “going deeper” in my time spent with God.

The images I saw were amazing. For all of the songs, Jesus was present and standing or lifted up much higher than the rest of us. He was in a flowing whitish robe. He had a beard, soft to the touch. I could not see what His eyes looked like—His face was too bright.

In some of the songs, Jesus danced with me. In one song, He had twirled me, and sometimes I would spin at such a fast speed that I was just a blur, and sometimes I would float up to the sky from the spin. In another song, He held me tight, as if in a slow-dance.

There were crowds of people surrounding Jesus from all sides. We also were in whitish flowing robes or gowns. We sang these songs to Him. There really was nothing else that we could have imagined wanting to do more than to praise Jesus and to sing of how wonderful He was. We adored being with Him.

During “Holy, Holy, Holy,” cherub-like angels, or toddlers?, in groups of three would link arms and float in the sky around Jesus. I know that this is one of the favorite songs of the angels.

Nothing delighted us more than being with Jesus, in His presence, and singing to Him.

When the song set was over, my phone rang—my niece was calling for my son. I handed the phone to him then looked up at the freeway overpass we were about to pass. On the overpass there was a big sign that read, “JESUS LOVES YOU.”

If that was not a wonderful “glimpse of eternity” then what else could it be?


From “My God Reigns”—“There’s no where else that I’d rather be than dancing with You as You sing over me. There’s nothing else that I’d rather do, Lord, than to worship You.”

In memory of my grandma...

Choi, Woon Sam aka Peggy Sandifer

Today, on Monday, 3/10/08, we buried my sweet grandma. It was a very nice graveside service, in a peaceful area, with a nice view. The weather was nice and the sky was beautiful. We had a wonderful funeral service yesterday (Sunday, 3/9/08) which showed what a special person my grandma was. Thank you to all who have been there for me and my family in this last week, and over the years--thank you all for your prayers, love, and friendship. Thank you to family, Erin and your expertise and presence on my grandma's last day, Woody and your prayer/watching my grandma's last breath with me, John and JoAnna who also were with me last Monday evening. Thank you to Brian for all of your work for both services, and attention to detail. Thank you to Tim, John, and Natalie for your patience for me, and kindness and love for Grandma Peggy (and me). Much love and thanks also goes out to my mom, sisters--Melinda and Suzy--and their families.

Here are two videos that we made and some words that I shared at the funeral.


HE KNOWS MY NAME

YOU RAISE ME UP

My grandma and I have always shared a special bond. She took care of me when I was a baby and helped raise me when I was older.

My earliest memory is of me falling asleep holding my grandma’s hand when I was around the age of two. I loved being with her and she took good care of me. I remember my favorite breakfast that she would make that probably no other kid would have for breakfast—grits with kimchee! She would even cut the kimchee into little squares for me, so that it would fit perfectly on the spoonful of grits. I remember sitting and doing a Road Runner puzzle at her table while watching TV. I remember walking by her house with my dad, hoping she would see me and convince my dad to let me come inside. I remember trips to the Whitefront store in Oakland. I remember playing with boats in her bathtub and how snug I felt as she would wrap me in a bathrobe afterwards, then set me under the hair dryer for my hair to dry.

My grandmother was a person of great strength and bravery. She endured a lot of struggles, disappointments, and situations that we are lucky to not encounter in our own lives today. She did what she had to do in order to survive, succeed, and did many things that others would not have the courage to do. These experiences helped to strengthen her character and allowed her to depend so well on herself.

My grandmother had a helping and giving heart. She really wanted what was best for her loved ones, even if we did not see that at the time. Everything she did for someone was what she thought was the best thing to do at the time. At times, she over-helped, and over-gave, but it was because of her love for those dear to her heart. She helped to raise me and my sisters, and I am very thankful for that. She helped nieces and nephews who were new to the United States. She always had something to give someone as they left her house, such as gifts, money, or food.

My grandmother was such a hard worker. Her determination to survive and succeed during the Korean war is one example of that. Another is that you would never see her resting. Even in her older years, she would come to a relative’s home and help in some way, such as by cleaning the kitchen, pulling weeds, taking out the garbage, cleaning toilets, folding laundry, and even picking up lint and crumbs from the carpet. Whatever she thought needed to be done, she would do. She would also help care for the babies, and I know that my kids loved riding around on her back—also known as “ah-boo-bah” in the Korean language.

My grandma relied on me for a lot of things. As soon as I could drive, I was taking her to various medical appointments. She encouraged me to enter the medical field. She had high standards and expected the best from people. I enjoyed going on these medical visits with her since I got to learn new things. I also helped her in other ways since her English and education was not as strong as mine. But, she was one who understood people, especially as a business woman. She could negotiate any price on any service. She was never afraid to ask something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

My grandmother called me her “post”—her “strength” and I am glad that God gave us each other so that we could help each other in our lives.

In October 2004, my life changed as my grandmother was hospitalized and became bedridden. It was so hard to see someone who was so strong and independent, become so weak and dependent on others. Not to mention how hard it is to see someone you love in that situation. I tried to do whatever I thought best for her over the years, as her health slowly got worse and worse. My grandma trusted me to do what was best for her, and I hope I did not fail her in that. It was so hard for me since I felt like there was not much I could do to REALLY help her…

I am thankful that over the last few years, my grandma has always been comfortable and not in pain. That was my constant prayer for her. I also prayed that she would always remember how much her family and God loved her, and that she was special to all of us. When I would visit, I would mention different relatives’ names so that she would remember everyone.

I had also prayed that when it was her time to leave this earth, that it would be peaceful, that she would be comfortable—not in pain, not gasping for breath. I also prayed that I would be there at the end. All of these prayers came true.

I thank God for always being with my grandmother and with us. I thank Him for listening to my grandma’s prayers of protection over her family. I thank Him for listening to our prayers for my grandma during this time of confusion, heartache, and anguish over the last few years.

I love you, Grandma!

Baptism of John and Natalie

Tim and I had the honor of seeing our kids baptized on Sunday, 10/28/07.

It was a great day, with Tim's parents in town, and Tim's dad was our guest preacher--although we were disappointed that our two favorite preachers could not share the day with us.

My mom, two sisters, and all of their families were there to share the day with us, along with our church family. Afterwards, we celebrated with lunch (Korean food--yum!) after morning church services. Other special people came to share the day with us. It was good spending the afternoon with everyone.

We were honored that our kids wanted us to baptize them--John wanted Tim to baptize him, and Natalie wanted me to baptize her. I was very humbled and honored to baptize Natalie. It all seemed very natural to have the four of us standing together as a family in the baptistry. John was a little nervous, but was fine. Natalie got "stagefright" but was fine once the baptism was over, as you can see from the video as she greeted everyone with a big smile.

I adore our children and our family. I am amazed at John and Natalie's maturity and understanding of some things, and their childlike faith that I sometimes wish that I had.

This video is very short--edited much!--but now you can say that "you were there" even if you were far away!

Praise God!